Ed Marx

July 2000


Dear Everyone Reading This:

This is the first article I have written for this webzine, even though I have been reading it and sometimes relating to it for a long time. I'm 19 years old, gay and living in Sydney Australia. I am not openly gay, in fact the only people that know are my parents and close friends. I haven't come out for good yet, I'm taking my time.

A few moments ago, while reading an article written by one of you, an important observation of myself that a friend made struck me to be true although in an entirely different context.

It was late on a saturday night and we were outside talking (about 4 of us) about a gay friend of ours. Then out of the blue, this friend of mine (who doesn't know I'm gay) accused me of being homophobic. At the time I thought, 'If only you knew how wrong you are' but now I have to believe she was right. I am homophobic. In fact, if I weren't gay, I would be such a homophobe it would scare people.

I go to a uni in Sydney where they offer courses in design and fashion (I am studying business) and there are always plenty of camp guys frollicking through the campus, with the wind in their perfectly styled hair, the sun on their smooth made up skin and no doubt Madonna's latest vocal stylings echoing through their boney heads. See, I can't even describe the gay male population of my university without stereotyping them. Diagnosing them with gayness. I am homophobic!

I read articles here @ Oasis that I can't take seriously because they are straight out of a girl's diary. "Today, he called me by my name. Of course I almost cried tears of joy but kept composed so that he didn't know I was harbouring a strong homosexual desire for him deep in my heart.." and then there's "I never thought he'd leave me for my best friend. She knew all my secrets and fantasies, and now he is hers. She betrayed our friendship and he betrayed the unwritten laws of homosexuality disallowing one to rejoin the other team." It makes me want to vomit. But why should it when I feel it too?

I read interviews with the special guest of the month and find that he's written 8 books with homosexual themes, is the former president of a gay bi and lesbian society aimed at opening the minds of the hetero public, voted for the GAY candidate at the last election, goes to college protests announcing "We're here, we're queer, get used to it!", drives a pink car, has cats and small poodles with refreshing naughties names like MADISON and MACKIE and one day wants to be the father of a gay child.

How can someone make homosexuality so much a part of their life that nothing else really matters? I like the band RADIOHEAD. But I am not obsessed with them. Sure, I'm proud that I like them, but I don't and never will make it my life's work to worship all that is Radiohead. Imagine I did. Imagine I write 8 books based on themes dealt with in the album "The Bends". Imagine I'm the former president of the Radiohead fan club opening the minds of Smashing Pumpkins fans. Imagine I went to the last election singing ELECTIONEERING... "I trust I can rely on your vote." Imagine I go to university protests chanting "WE HOPE THAT YOU CHOKE, THAT YOU CHOKE!" I might drive a car that has to have an AIRBAG; have pet paranoid androids named Thom Yorke and Jonny Greenwood, or High and Dry. And one day, imagine I want to be the father of a subterranean homesick alien! I feel embarassed and ashamed and ridiculed by particular gay people, sort of like when your Dad feigns a mental illness in front of your friends to embarass you, the first time they meet him. Its like ONE OF YOUR OWN is LETTING YOU DOWN in front of EVERYONE ELSE.

Whatever you do, don't think I am insulting you if you feel I have made an indirect gibe at you. The reason I wrote this article is to let you delve into MY PERSPECTIVE and realise how skewed and homophobic it is. I am homophobic. I'm the one with the issues. But then again, I accept that I'm gay, and I'm not sorry.

I think I will get over this in time. And I hope you can understand this. Don't dismiss me as a newbie who can't admit he's a fag. I admit I am gay.

I'd really like to hear your feedback. Please email me at mynameised@hotmail.com

I will reply and I will write again.


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