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Nick

July 2000

I must for warn you I will probably bitch and complain a lot!

Ok first of all style (this paragraphs a lot of senseless rambling please feel free to skip it!!)

Ok first of all: fads... they are soo dumb. Like ever since LFO's summer girls every one has to were AF. Why would you pay $30 for a shirt, a plain shirt, that says AF on it because it was in a song and it's what everyone does. And orange? What the hell's up with that? Everyone wears orange and its an ugly color. If you all want to be fucking pumpkins so badly, can I carve you?

As much as I love abercrombie, every since everyone started shopping there I won't even go there any more, I'll go anywhere but. And orange, I won't wear it simply because every one else does. I refuse to be everyone else. I'm not weak enough to just follow everyone. I'm me, not them. I like blue, not orange. I'll wear the style because I like it and it's me, but not AF, and not orange.

How can one give up their individuality and creativity, uniqueness... for a fad started by a song? I might as well wear a uniform because that's what it is. I swear some people like this one kid #@$$#% would explode if they didn't were an orange AF shirt. I wear quicksilver, I have since 5th grade when no one did because I like it, and I wear blue, and I'm fine. You don't have to be a mindless follower. If you like it and you wore it before the fad, then more power to you, but man the wannabe's are getting annoying, obviously your not getting more popular for imitating.....but anyway to more important things.

My whole life has sucked. Sure, I have friends and some of the nicer things but that don't amount to shit. I'm not materialist. I've been mistreated and ignored all my life and can't remember a single day I truly felt loved or special to anyone. And I keep telling myself I'll have a good adult life. I'll meet my gay knight in shiny armor who will save me and love me and be truly romantic and faithful....and I'll live happily ever after in a decent house in San Francisco where it's okay to hold a man's hand in public.

HA! What a fairy tale ( no pun intended)! I know most heteros in San Fran or not are homophobic and no matter where I am it won't be ok, I'll still be a freak to some. And I know most gay men... they mostly care about sex and that's it... chances are my boyfriend will cheat on me and depress me to a point of almost suicide. Dick doesn't turn me on much and, to tell you the truth, I could barely have sex with my boyfriend and not care.

I just want a relationship with a man I want to love, a man to kiss a man.... sex too, but that's at the bottom of the list. But I know I'll never find "him." And if I do, I'll ruin the relationship with my own insecurities and dramas ( I get that from my mom) to try and make him love me. You know the whole for some dumb reason " you don't love me" thing, so that he's like "oh yes I do" and we make out but I know how annoying people like me are and he'll get fed up with me and it will be my fault. And because most men want sex and sex and in the homosexual case the all mighty penis rules. He'll cheat on me ( if I ever do find him) because he needs dick so badly. And even if it does work out, I don't want to get old and have sex with an old man,.... and if go bald.. I feel like I may as well die. So basically I want Mr. Perfect who doesn't exist, and if he does he probably is straight or taken, and I want to be young and good looking for ever.

So, basically, I'm setting myself up for major disappointment and my life will always suck... and despite this I am still some how anti-suicide. Go figure. And I want a big wedding like hetero weddings on TV but who would come and who wouldn't think of us as freaks? LIFE SUCKS! There is no God, for if there were he'd spare us and never let our sperm be "the one to win." Maybe us gays are doing our unborn a favor by keeping them that. If I were God, I would at least be compassionate enough to lower the life expectancy.

Well, I wonder how many readers I've lost and scared away. Those of you who read, thanks, that's a lot of bitching you put up with. Questions, comments, just want to talk? E-mail me at scorpiomonet@hotmail.com.... usually I am not so bitter. Well anyway thanks and I'd love to hear from you and will try to find time to reply... after all it's summer WOOO HOOO! How busy can I be? (You would be surprised!) Chow!

Nick


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