July 2000

Well, as some of you may notice, this is my debut article with Oasis. I hope that it will not be my last, but cannot guarantee that I will appear every month, so... I guess I should start by introducing myself. My name is Scott, I'm sixteen, and attend school in the wonderful state of New Jersey. Hey, it's not that bad.In school, I'm involved mainly with choir, but I play soccer and baseball, too. I know, it sounds a little stereotypical, but I really love singing. So far I've only been part of the 99-00 All SJ Chorus, but I have recently made All State, so I will be starting that soon. Gosh, my writing's resembling a resume or something. Sorry about that.

I've always loved writing. Whether or not I'm good at it is up to you to decide, but I have finally made the choice to write a column for the magazine that has helped me in the past few months as a source of comfort. I'm still very much closeted (as you might have guessed from my complete lack of mentioning anything about my sexuality), but am still not entirely sure that I am one way or the other. I guess I'm more afraid than anything else. I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean. Any time I think about mentioning that I have bisexual feelings or anything, I get this scenario in my head. It's me, twelve years from now, at my high school reunion. I'm there with my wife, our beautiful kids are at home with a babysitter, and I can't wait to see my old friends. Then, through the crowd, someone happens upon us and acts so surprised. S/he then commences to tell my wife all about my sexual doubts in high school and maybe even a boyfriend I had. From there it goes on to my divorce and separation from my children, the humiliation of my family, and so on. The decisions I make today limit whatever life I hope to have. Oh well, at least the walls surrounding me inside this closet are safe...

The odd thing about my inability to tell anyone about myself is that there have been so many opportunities to. First of all, so far this year two guys in my school choir have come out. I could easily have just said, "Oh, really? Me too!" or something like that, but instead acted as surprised and non-empathetic as the rest of my classmates. Second, a lot of people have already suspected that I am gay (and have not held back in telling me so). It would come as no surprise to them. The main thing holding me back, other than my "reunion" fear, is that I don't want to hurt or disappoint anyone I care about. My closest friends: would they still like me and be as comfortable around me as before? My parents: how would they feel if they found out that what they had joked about as being their worst fear was actually true? To top it all off, I'm the sole person in my family left to carry on the name. Fun responsibility, isn't it?

Then, of course, there's the constant struggle between sexual desires. Do any of you out there ever have complete shifts in how you feel? I swear, sometimes I feel so sure about myself and then others-well, others I don't, I guess. It's like yesterday I knew that I was gay. Oh, sure; nothing's wrong with it, I know that it's what I want, why not tell everyone? Then today comes and I find myself missing my old girlfriends and completely wondering how I could have ever liked guys like that. I supposed I would truly fall into the "questioning youth" category, because that is all I seem to be doing lately.

I don't know what's wrong with my column. It doesn't seem as personal as the others. Well, maybe after I get this "introductory" one out of the way or something. It might also be because I don't want to reveal too much, in case one of the other people "like me" in my school happens to read it and relates parts of it to me. After all, I have narrowed my location to half of one of the smallest states in the country, and it wouldn't be too difficult for someone who knows me to make the connection.

You know what's strange? I've been reading Oasis for a while now and have just recently admitted to myself how I feel. It's like I've known all along, but haven't truly realized it. I suppose some of you know what I mean. That's what's so cool about writing for this; you know someone out there feels the same way you do. Anyway, I feel so much better than I did before. I'm being honest with myself finally, even if I'm still the same to everyone else. I suppose that I'll have to be honest with them eventually, but for now I feel content with having my life go on as usual.

Well, this concludes my first experience writing with this e-zine. I know that it was just a bunch of babbling, but I promise that my future submissions will be more interesting (and maybe longer). And hey, at least it helped me clear my head. Maybe it even helped someone. It's possible. Until next month, then...

PS-I'd really like to hear from you, whether it's a comment or just a little "hello". My email address it ScottysCloset@hotmail.com. Thanks.

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