Cerulian Skye

July 2000

My First Column

Um, hi everyone. This is my first ever column to write to you. I really don't know what to say but, did you all read my story? I hope you all did. it may have sucked much, but I had to schlep in something during July. It's my birthmonth. (Is that a word?) Which is why I'm staring my column now.

So, really, I have totally no idea what to write. I may as well give an intro to myself. I'm 14, I live in a part of New Jersey that's in the shadow of New York City, and I'm almost completely out in school. I would tell you all my real name, but it's ugly and plain... well, it's John, an ugly name, no? So I go by the alias, Cerulean Skye, because I think it's a cool name. (Don't you?) Anyway, I think by now I've trailed off as to what these columns are supposed to be about. But, I dunno, I sort of get the gist of it all, but I dunno what to write.

About my life, I'm single. I lost my virginity at the age of 11, and since then I have had more male and female sexual partners then I have fingers and toes... literally. But now, since I'm trying to be a good Catholic boy, I'm trying to feign abstinence (I use the word feign because my body may be clean, but my words aren't.) I'm not in a relationship although I want to be so badly.

I mean, I feel so alone lately. I had a boyfriend once, his name was Fred. It was an online things because I couldn't handle swapping emotions with another male at the time, so yeah. Anyway, things were going great, we were in love, but then I outed him to his family and friends. Now, mind you, he lives in North Carolina, in a small rural town, so there must be some Southern religious extremists there.

Needless to say, he got mad at me. And, the longer we're apart, the more I want him. I've told him repeatedly how much I love him and need him back. Hell, I've even embarrassed myself for him, but he ignores me and won't have me. So I feel terribly lonely.

I've been single for a year now, and I've loved a lot of women, but my gay side has had no satisfaction at all. Maybe it's cuz I'm head-over-heels for Fred, I dunno. My sex drive is nonexistent now, too. But I do have everything going for me, money, a good name, popularity and beauty. But it's no consolation. Anyway, on the bright side, I'm slowly trying to get over him. I've been able to emotionally love a guy again. His name is Jonathan.

He's like a best friend I could love, but I know he probably doesn't want me as his boyfriend anymore, cuz I was too depressed after Fred. Anyway, we talk all the time and I finally realized that every time he got close to scoring, (he's a virgin.) I've gotten so jealous, and I think it's cuz deep down inside, I love him. And so now, I'm trying to survive my post-Fred whatever, and I'm getting into Jonathan, and how happy life is becoming.


a.k.a. Cerulean Skye


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