July 2000

Just a quick message before I throw myself into a world without sense. I've come out to more people now, which hasn't really changed much for me. And the first person I came out to, the person who has helped me endure through pain and depression, has helped me to actually enjoy things and has bettered me... is being taken away from me just like everything else that I've ever cared for. And they wonder why I'm such a bitter person.

So now we'll delve into the article. If you get confused during it, here's an explanation beforehand. It's made up of lines from important songs I love. Hell I felt like bringing some music in here. I'm not sure what it's about but the words are there and are meaningful, so interpret it anyway you like, which you'll do without my permission anyway because you're smart. But take it as either meaning I have too much time, I listen to too much music, or I am as psychotic as I think I am sometimes. What the hell, nevermind that and just read it if you like. Bye.

And It Begins

The boy that you love is the man that you fear. Daddy didn't give attention to the fact that Mommy didn't care. It's fun to lose and to pretend. I say 'Tell me the truth' but you don't dare; you say love is Hell you cannot bare, and I say Give me mine back and then go there for all I care. I wish I was special...you're so very special; but I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo... what the hell am I doing here?; I don't belong here. What's this life for? I can't wait til I get home to pass the time in my room alone. These foolish games are tearing me apart...you're thoughtless words are breaking my heart. But you, you're not alone, you're uninvited, how unfortunate. Silence is not the way...we need to talk about it; if heaven is on the way we'll wrap our arms around it...if heaven is on the way, if heaven is on the way... I'm a stranger in this town. I will let you down; I will make you hurt. I'm not an addict...well maybe that's a lie.

This is what you get for messing with us. Do like I told you stay away from me, never misunderstand me, keep away from me. All is full of love... all is full of love. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm aching for you. You look so fine...I want to break your heart and give you mine. Adia I do believe I failed you...Adia I know I let you down. What I've felt what I've known never shines through what I've shown; never free, never me, so I dub thee unforgiven. I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I beg you to leave me, I dare you to miss me. Help me get away from myself. And I miss you...like the deserts miss the rain. I want to outrace the speed of pain, for another day. Don't know who I'm kidding, imagining you care.

Imagine there's no heaven, it's easy if you try. We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control, no dark sarcasm in the classroom hey teacher, leave those kids alone; all and all you're just another brick in the wall. Nobody's right if everybody's wrong. And I miss you love. And when you go do you know that it's the perfect ending to the bad day I was just beginning; and when you go all I know is that you're my favorite mistake.

Some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abused. Am I evil? I hate you so much right now. Never thought I'd be unable to trust somebody who I loved so much, if I can get you out of the streets then you can come back to me. You'll never hear the message that I give. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. Ending with letting go, let's pretend happy end, let's pretend happy end.



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