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Troy N. Diggs

August 2000

July 27, 2000

"You're in love/that's the way/it should be...

'cause I want you to be happy...

You're in love/and I know/that you're not in love with me...

... ooh, it's enough for me to know/that you're in love...

... I can let you go/'cause I know, that you're in love..."

-- "You're In Love", Wilson Phillips

I'm still in love with Michael.

I didn't really think much of it when we moved in together; that wasn't the main recollection of feelings... and, truthfully, it wasn't because of the string of really bad dates I've had ever since I moved down to Memphis (one drunk, one eerie, creepy boy, and one immature brat).

I think it happened when Michael started dating one of our neighbors. I think neighbor boy is a total sweetheart, and an extremely caring, giving guy. I'd venture out to say that he and I are friends... not necessarily close friends; to me, he's just a cool guy to hang out with.

But, I have to admit, I'm jealous. Not that he decided he'd rather date Michael instead of me... but because Michael decided he'd rather date him instead of me.

Yes, I know, that sounds selfish as hell. Here's the weird part, though... I'm still happy for Michael. And for our neighbor. I'm glad that they're both going out and having a good time and whatever they do when they lock the doors... but I really can't be genuinely, 100%, congratulations, giddy giddy happy for them. There's a part of me that will, at least for the time being, wonder what Michael sees in him that he simply doesn't see in me.

I'm not quite sure how to approach him with the subject. He may end up reading this column before I get to talk to him about it, and boom, my job's done. Seriously, though, these kind of psychological battles end up turning into games of "what's he thinking"... I could speculate on what he'd say, sure... and chances are, I'd be right... but as much as I'd like it to be otherwise, I honestly don't ever see him saying that he feels the same way.

It's very hard on the soul to be supportive of your best friend, and at the same time, wish he'd do something totally different. Somehow, I've always managed to come through in the best friend role... and chances are, this time, I'll do it again. I just wish I could either let those feelings I have out, or get them to go away. Right now, I'm not having much luck doing either one.

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eMail is good! Drop me a line @ TDiggs@aztec.astate.edu , or visit my Web page @ http://www.geocities.com/tdiggs/ ... toodles...


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