August 2000

I don't know who I am

I wrote about 3 articles last year sometime, when I was going through what I've deemed my "phase" of sexuality- you know, like when you don't care who it is, when it is or where it is, you just want to experience things. So I did, not EVERYTHING, mind you, just enough to quench my thirst for a while. And what I've learned from that? I do not know who I am yet. I do not know who I am at all. Sure, I am fairly smart, and I am fairly strong-willed, and I work my butt off to get what I want.

I don't know what I want.

So, I spent a good deal of my freshman year starting things with people I could never finish. And then I spent my entire sophomore year, bluffing and covering up rumors of my escapades. As I stand at the brink of my junior year, I have a slightly clean slate (from all my covering up). I am struck with the question of who I am going to be. No, I take that back, not who I am going to be- who I AM. "More on this when it breaks- back to you, Bob."

But He does.

Oh, yeah I just remembered the whole point of me writing this. I am a Christian. I believe in-no, I KNOW-this awesome God who loves you. Did you hear me? HE LOVES YOU. Yeah you, the guy over there who is jacking off to some "$9.99 a boy-of-the-week" porno website. And you too, the one slouched in front of your computer in your PJ's with sleep still in your eyes. He loves you. Maybe no one has ever conveyed this to you-since most of us have heard that we are "going to hell" for being who we are. Sorry, that's not the truth.

The truth is, everyone messes up. So if we were to take the "Bible thumper's" words seriously, that would mean he is going to hell too for lying to his mom about who he really went out with when he was 16 and what movie he really saw. That is not the way it works. (If you would like to know how it really works, and where you will really go- email me!)

Some loony Christians got together a couple years ago decided to preach hate. I mean c'mon- NO DISNEYWORLD? Thousands of poor little kids were forced to go to "bunnyland" and "dinoworld" because their prejudice, ignorant folks thought Mickey's message of love might damage their kids? ("Gee, honey, Mickey talks about loving everyone. We can't have little Susie growing up thinking it's okay to be nice to people who are different." ) But I am happy to report that us Christians are getting our act together: I was listening to the Christian radio yesterday on my way through the KFC drive through and they had this old dude and a Bible scholar taking calls and questions dealing with homosexuality. (The whole time the girl at the drive through is going "just let me know when you are ready"....."ma'am, there's a line forming, have you decided?!?") Now, most of what they said made me laugh, but they caught my attention when they actually said that homosexuality is not a choice. They threw in the thing about try to open your arms to these people, but that will take some work.

The point I am trying to make is- no one has their act together. No one knows exactly what they are talking about. I don't know who I am. But this I do know- No matter who you are, who you are going to be or what the heck you are talking about- Jesus loves you.

Wow. So I AM comfortable with the fact that I don't know who I am, because God does. And loves me even though I didn't brush my teeth this morning.



©1995-2000 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.