August 2000

My name is Jason. I'm 16 and live in NYC. I'm really scared. I'm worried of everything wrong that could happen when I do decide to come out. To avoid any evidence of me being gay, I isolated myself so much from family and friends. For example, I try to eat 30 minutes earlier than the rest of my family. I answer them in the most blunt way. "Yes, No, and I don't know" are the most common answers I give them. I at one point was happy. Ever since I accepted to myself that I was gay, I began to fall into these depressive states (AKA chronic depression.) I know my parents do in fact care for me and it hurts me so much that I am doing this to them.

I had maybe like 20 friends that I would hang out with once in a while. Now I have only four. I'm quieter now. Now I'm more paranoid than anyone else. I can't sleep because I do have the tendency to talk in my sleep. I don't want to be sleeping and say "Danny, I love you" (Danny from Real World). I stopped drinking with friends because "In wine there is truth." I can't do anything anymore. I'm scared and I'm worried.

I reach such low points during those depressive stages that suicide, to me, does seem like a way out. Suicide in Roman times was considered an honor and I see that by me doing that I would liberate my pain and my anger toward myself. I'm not proud of who I am, I'm rather embarrassed.

I at times do see myself being with a wife at our son's soccer game. When I come to think of it, that is not me. There's nothing wrong wanting to be loved, is there something wrong with me? I know that homosexuality is normal, the only problem is that in our society it is out of the norm. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to feel repressed. Unfortunately, the paths for gays now are not broad, they are narrow.

My family is unfortunately homophobic. I hear rude comments now and then toward gays. This one time my mother found a porno magazine under my brother's bed and she said to me "at least he's not one of those gay people." I felt like laughing in her face and saying "HAHA, I am. Now deal with it!" but I couldn't. It makes me sick living at my house. Every help hotline tells me "give it some time" How can you give time to something that is happening now?

Here, I am all alone. I compare homosexuality to an angel, it's so beautiful but this angel is stabbing me inside. It's killing me slowly and each stab hurts even more. I'll eventually fall down unless I see the light and am strong enough to go through it. I cannot take this place any longer and each day I feel so hollow. Inside my heart is dying. Life sometimes pisses me off, it's not a good trip for me. I used to be beautiful and carefree. Now, I'm just a freak on a leash being carried around by our society's morals.

I love to hear from any of you and if you're in the NYC area we could meet if you're in a similar situation.



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