August 2000

So now me and Fred are like, I don't know, we're talking and whatever, and I'm finding out more and more about him daily, and about how much more in common we have, which sucks, and he says I'm hard to figure out. I don't know, I think I'm easy to figure out, I have no idea why I'm always misunderstood. Everyone's so anal about what I say/do.

In school, when I show up wearing something, it ends up that everyone will either wear the same logo or buy the same outfit as I did the next day. When I say something; negative, positive, or whatever, it'll be around my school within the next 45-minute period. (Mind you, my school has about 5,000 kids spread out over 7 buildings across midtown Elizabeth, NJ.) Everyone says I'm a trendsetter, and that I'm so loved and popular, yet my ass gets dissed daily because I'm bi. Not only do str8 homophobes diss me, but so does the gay & lesbian community of my school, because they consider my sexuality to be unnatural and sickly. So I have many enemies, and get dissed A LOT, yet I'm supposed to be so popular.

I also hate the fact that everyone considers me to be perfect, since I live in the ideal home, in the ideal neighborhood, with the ideal, respected family. I get the ideal grades, have the ideal reputation, and go to church weekly (unless I don't feel like waking). But, I still feel an aching, a wanting for something I can't quite grasp. I need help, and I try to tell everyone, but everyone's deaf. My mother thinks I'm just quirky when I tell her I need counseling or something, my father just tells me to be quiet, my sisters just call me fag and treat me like crap, and everyone makes it into a big deal when I'm depressed, so I have to act like I'm all right, or else no one, in or out of school, will leave me alone, because I have a reputation of always being happy and helpful.

So they all think I don't need help, I just give it. And sure, I'm good at the advice thing, but I do crave someone else's help. And as a friend, I give 110% of myself and get back 40% from everyone. I think my problems would be solved if I could find myself a friend just like me, that is in the same spot as me, and will be with me. I met a guy on Monday that just may be it, but I'm not sure. What are the chances that God would be so kind toward me? (I'd think they're nil.) I hope he's the one, though.

All I need is to not be popular, and to just have a friend, that's a guy, that acts like me, talks like me, hopefully looks like me and is in the same spot as me. I ask for nothing else. But it seems like God wants me to do some of the work myself, so I continue searching seemingly empty chat rooms, message boards, school clubs, malls and friends' address books for someone for me to love, emotionally. And my birthday is in 5 days, (July 19th) and tomorrow I'm gonna go see George W. Bush when he visits my city. (LOL, even though that's out of the subject-matter.)

You know, if any of you want advice or to give me advice, I'd be more then glad if you'd e-mail me at KingJ0785@aol.com. So um, I guess that's all I could say, since no one really is asking/telling me anything about my column, so I suppose either I'm boring, moderately entertaining, or no one's just interested. Oh, well. My lonely, yet somewhat content self should just stop writing then.

To end on a positive note, though, I'd like to say that suicide is bad, practice safe sex and live for now, but be wary of the future.

much luv,

John, Mr. Congeniality

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