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Jaye Kay

August 2000

There has to be meaning to all of this?

I haven't written a submission to Oasis since the first one that I wrote months upon months ago. It feels like a lifetime.

As the young and the queer, most of us get to grow up and feel like our youth was wasted; like we didn't have a choice in anything that went on or have the freedom to enjoy all of the vanity and frivolity of being young. And people wonder why there is such a large degree of sex in the vast and different gay male world? No one ever stops to think that most of us never got to experience the craziness of dating in Middle School, et al. If we weren't into getting with girls to try and fit in or to prove something, then we never got to experience sex early enough to learn from it.

Not to mention that to a large degree, we spent that whole time hearing all sorts of slurs. The jock stereotypes would be calling each other faggots because they didn't want to take the time to attack anything realistic about each other. If someone were called a fag in the halls, faculty members would (if at all) issue a reprimand for inappropriate comments and continue on down the hall; and yet, if one were to go down the hall calling everyone a nigger, not only would you probably be beaten up by whatever African American male you brought it around, you might even face severe consequences; perhaps even expulsion, I've seen it done. The words like "fag" and all the others are so overused now that I see no actual reason behind their use.

So, in essence, what I am saying is that after being more or less robbed of our basic right to exist in those golden years of mandatory education; many of us grow up desperate to feel loved, to feel worthy, God...to feel ANYTHING that goes with who we really are. People can fool themselves into thinking that sex is love, or that love is sex. I always look at everything as having a deeper meaning to it. Once upon a time, I used to look with such confusion at what I called "the gay trash." There seemed no reason in just walking into a room, picking a guy, going home with him, and then never seeing him again. But the more I looked at it, the more I realized that's not what it's about. We're all looking to be loved, to be accepted, because of spending so long feeling or knowing that we weren't. Of course, in the human mind, sex with a lot of people can be made to feel like acceptance. If anything, a male sex drive tended to only by a hand for a decade and then some cannot be expected to hold much back when put in a position for relief.

I feel very saddened by this life because I feel like I could so easily drift to it. And I see how unfulfilling it will be, how worse things could get by the simple constancy of 10 seconds of rapid muscle contractions day-in, day-out. The relationship I'm in now, I'm afraid of finding out that it is just sex-based, especially with the emotions I feel powerless to stop. If that were true, I don't think I could take it; because, though I understand enough of why we act as we do, I don't understand why so many are not honest with each other. I could take the truth, but lying is a whole different matter.

They say honesty is the best policy. Well, do you think that proverb would have transcended the ages so well were it not true?

In a perfect world, everything would be easy. But would we learn anything?

Jaye

jkay@c4.com


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