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Ross

August 2000

Well I am back for a second time. I hope you missed me. I will introduce myself again since most of you probably don't remember me from the June issue. My name is Ross and I am a gay boy in Woodland California. I live in a small somewhat country town that for some reason is surprisingly accepting of diversity. In fact I havent had one bad encounter with a person about me being gay. I live close to Sacramento where I sometimes go to hang out in the "gay community", which there isn't much of for a teenager. I love singing, and I like hanging out with my closest friends. I guess I am a typical teenager, but I'm gay, I hope.

This article is just sort of a personal statement I guess, I just want to clear my head and hope I can figure some things out in writing it, and hopefully some of the feedback will be enlightening.

This has been an interesting month for me. I have made friends with a lesbian, something I thought I would never do. But it happened, and we got along very well. As we got to know eachother I found that she had some gay friends and I met some of them. On0e of them was a guy named Trevor. Trevor is a very attractive boy who I instantly wanted, I mean as in a relationship. But that was the first night we met. As things progressed, we went to pride in San Fransisco and spent a lot of time together alone, which is something I like. However, I got to know him better And I have found that we just cant work, we are not on the same level, or so it seems. You see, the problem I have is, I think i am the problem. We see eachother quite often, even though he lives 40 miles away. When we see eachother, we dont get along very well, theres nothing to talk about and I think that the reason for it is me. I just dont know if I am ready, or if I am in the right situation. I dont know what it is but I just feel so unattached to him. It sucks. Because I know that I would be crazy not to simply fall in love with him, but it isnt happening.

Well, as this whole problem was coming to light, I found that there was something else I was reAlizing, or maybe just creating in my mind. I feel extremely confused. I am not so sure about myself any more. I am a very straight acting guy, and I have always wondered about that. I figure it is normal and a person can be gay, and be a straight acting, walking, talking jock. But I just feel so lost. I dont have any physical attraction to girls, but I have noticed a rising interest in them, no pun intended. It really bugs me. Because I was so sure about myself just three months ago, and the thought of being straight never crossed my mind. I am so comfortable being gay, I enjoy the experiences and events and most of all guys, but I am in turmoil.

The whole thing is very draining, and it is nagging at me all the time, but I dont know what is causing it. It is extremely frustrating to have a physical attraction to guys and the emotional seems nonexistent. I did at one time have that emotional connection. But now it seems like it never existed. I used to want a nice, cute, funny, sweet, caring guy to just sweep me off my feet and love me forever, but now that feeling is gone. But I still like boys, I still want the physical, but I dont feel like dealing with the other. I wish I could figure this one out, but maybe I need a little help. I think I might be a sexually confused teen.

One thing that I left out was that I had a boyfriend a mont before I met Trevor, and I was very connected to him, in all ways, and maybe that is a factor.

Now to end this long winded confession, I ask that someone who is in this situation or has been through it, or even just wants to help please send me a message. I dont know if this one is going to go easy.

Thanks everybody, and I am so glad we have Oasis. There are no words I can think of that can express my gratitude towards its creator, and of course its maintainers, the readers. Bye

Ross

mgnoble@ucdavis.edu


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