August 2000

July was... good. I ended up telling my best friend about my confusion in the area of sexual preference and she was cool about it. Really cool, actually. It was great to be able to talk to someone I care about about it.

Then, a few weeks later, my parents unintentionally read a notebook of mine that I had left out and discovered my torn feelings, asked me about it, and we talked as if it were just another thing. Some little choice, like "What would you like for dinner?" It was great. My mom said that they would always love me no matter what, and when I expressed my fear that things would change (especially after hearing that it was my dad that found the book), she said that absolutely nothing would change.

Sexuality doesn't make you who you are. It's just part of your life. My life can be the same it always was at home and with my friends, it's just my relationships that would be affected if I wanted them to be. I was really happy. I finally had all of those questions, the mystery of how my parents would react if I turned out to be gay, answered.

But you wanna hear the odd part, the part I feel almost bad about? As soon as it was "okay" for me to be gay or bisexual, I realized that I didn't want to label myself. It dawned on me that I don't really have any desire toward either men or women, not anything that is sure or that I would declare as love or lust. I decided that I don't want to have relationships where sex is my only goal (or goal, period). I'm only 16! I have years before I need to decide what "preference" I want to be for the rest of my life!

Right now I want to be me, to have my friends and not feel bad when whoever I'm "with" feels like there's something wrong with them when I don't make a move on them or have PDA's. I'm non-sexual. I will no longer search for the reasons why I am not girl-crazy like the other guys around me or yearning for a gay relationship like the others I read about. I am going to feel what I feel and if I decide to be gay, I will be gay, if straight, straight, and if both, I will express these feelings. It seems that I have solved my confusion for now, doesn't it? Maybe I have for good, but maybe I haven't.

If I have, I would still like to write for this ezine, even if I have nothing really to write about. Well, I can't wait to see what the month of August has in store (and then beyond that when I start school again!). May the rest of you have the luck I've had in the past few weeks and your choices become clearer (or not, as the case may be!). Enjoy the rest of your summer!


PS- Thanks to all who wrote to me in response to my first column, sorry that I have not responded. Every one of those letters made me happy that what I wrote made sense to at least a few people. I hope that I have not let you down by giving up my pondering of my own personal sexuality, but it is exhausting and I really see no reason to do it at this point in my life. I'm supposed to be having fun, it's my junior year!

If any of you still want to email me, feel free (I really enjoy it). That goes for other columnists, too, since you are the ones whose stories I have been reading for so long (especially Jeffie). My address is: ScottysCloset@hotmail.com . Until next month!

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