September 2000

Well, this is my debut column so I guess I'll start by introducing myself. My name is Ben, I'm 19 and a student at UCSB.

So what do you do when you finally begin to really accept who you are but you can't accept your life? I am a virgin to just about everything involving a relationship so please don't mock me. I've never had the opportunity to date a guy I was interested in, let alone have enough time to remember the embrace of a handshake from the only guy I've ever been in love with... for the last five years... who happens to be straight... and currently has a girlfriend... and has no clue about my sexuality... Do I know how to pick 'em or what? How depressing isn't it? But I'm content with being regarded as *just* a friend who has the pleasure of hearing the guy's voice on a monthly long distance call. I figure, if I can never have him, I'll love whatever part of him he's willing to give me. <sigh> God I must be a huge sucker, huh?

So how does that tie back to what I was saying? I've accepted the fact that I'm gay. I would like to seek out a relationship much like the one that's got me caught, or someone at all... just to fill that void. And finding a guy to date isn't a problem. Only except I can't accept that. I can't bring myself to accept a relationship that I don't foresee as being able to fulfill me the way my best friend has. It's like I've accepted who I am, but I can't accept anything less than what I want? Does that make sense to anyone? It's like sexual virginity... to some it's a sacred and precious gift that you can only give once and that you only want to give it to someone who's worth it. It kind of relates back to my "relationship" virginity. As corny as this sounds, I want my first relationship to be something wonderful, not something I'm going to regret just because I'm feeling desperate for any companionship.

Well... that's about all I can think of for now...



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