September 2000

Hello, my name is Dory and I am a 17 year old lesbian who just celebrated her first year out. I wish I could say that with more excitement, but, it has not been easy. I knew what I was getting into, but I didn't think it would be as difficult as it was.

I had the most amazing friend in 9th grade. She was a lesbian who did not care what others thought of her. I was still in incredible denial of my sexuality. In tenth grade, we spent almost every waking moment together, went through failed relationships with one another, she was the one who made me realize who I was, through just one single touch of my hand. I melted.

She was my first girlfriend as of July 24th, 1999. My first love...she taught me everything. We had a very secret relationship for a while, because her parents were not too welcoming to her sexual orientation, and we were afraid that they would no longer allow us to see one another. When she asked me to tell my parents, I was horrified that they wouldn't let me spend time with her. But, when I told them, they took it great! Hell, they were happy for me. They finally saw their only daughter happy. Well, happy until school started.

My girlfriend and I had discussed whether or not we should have an open relationship at school, and we agreed that we had nothing to hide. I guess we didn't realize that New Jersey isn't the most gay-friendly of states. Me and her always held hands in the halls, so no one thought anything of it. It was when they saw us kiss one another on the cheek that it became an issue. Girls in the locker room sneered at us, thinking that me and her were making out in the showers (we got changed in there so that noone felt uncomfortable with us being in there). Guys would surround us in the hallway until we kissed. It became unbearable.

We started missing classes, going to the office to talk to the administration. The student body wanted to sue the school for reverse discrimination, because they thought that the school was kissing me and hers ass so that we did not sue them. Our grades were falling. Even walking home from the bus stop, we were being harassed. By then, we were engaged. So, my ex, being the person that she is, proposed a plan. She was going to move back to California for the rest of the school year, so that she could rise above all the madness. I couldn't blame her, so, on November 19th, she was gone.

We attempted that whole "long distance relationship" thing, but, come on, we were so used to seeing one another every single day, we knew it wasn't going to work. So, on New Years Eve, she dumped me. That almost killed me. My first love didn't love me anymore. She was no longer "my angel". I flipped out. Because of that, we stopped talking.

Summer came around, and she was in New Jersey. I was dead set on not seeing her. I could not handle seeing her face.

My friend J.S was having some problems, and got locked up. I was not sure if A.G(the ex) knew anything about it. So, I wrote her a note (hey, its the same thing anyone would do in order to aviod face-to-face conversation). We drove to her house, and I made my mother go up to the door and give it to her. Once A.G found out I was there, she came outside and talked with me and filled me on the status of our friend.

So, theres mistake number one. Mistake number two was, I invited her to my house so that we could talk, you know, catch up on the months that we had not talked. That went really well, except for the aura of awkwardness wafting throuought my house. Then, the third mistake happened. She asked me to spend the night at her house and I agreed.

We laughed, we cried, I kissed her forehead...I'm in trouble. I realized how much I still loved her. I still loved a girl, who left me, broke my heart, and ignored me.

So, I asked her out a few days later, and on July 23rd, 2000, we were an item again. It was so great! I was so happy to hold her in my arms again. <Laughs> I honestly thought she would stay with me this time...boy...was I wrong!

First Tuesday in August, she dumped me. That next Saturday, she was going out with J.S., the friend who made me see her from the get go. Now they think I am trying to make J.S feel sorry for me and ruin their relationship, they have a bet to see how long it takes for me to find someone else. <shakes head> Love is so blind.

And you know how they say "It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all"? Well, I think that it is better to have loved and lost, and keep love lost forever, because if you let feelings rekindle, you're sure to get burned by the flames yet again.

Happy coming out Dory...


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