September 2000

"I believe that you cannot change or choose your sexuality." - Savage Garden

My name is Jeremy, I'm 18 years old and about to start college. I've hid the fact that I'm gay all my life. There isn't a time that I didn't know I was gay. How about that. I remember being a little kid, before kindergarten, looking at boys and wanting to touch them and have them touch me. I remember fooling around with a friend of mine when we were 4 and I got punished that night. No TV after dinner. The next time I got caught, there was no dinner and it was off to bed while it was still light out. That was the last time I had any sexual contact. I was 5! No dinner or TV - I must have done something really bad. I'm so ashamed-still. Experimentation? Maybe, but I never grew out of it. All my thoughts are of guys. Girls are my cover and nothing more.

Now I'm about to start life all over again. What choices do I make? I don't know the answer to that question. Do I keep Mom and Dad happy and still keep dating girls? I guess not. I can only lie for so long. I get so angry that at 18 years old I've had so much unhappiness in my life. Even the good times seem bad. I'm talking about the times when I was in love. Oh yes, I've been in love. Over and over again. No, the guys that I've been in love with never knew it. What were you all thinking? You think I'm nuts or something. They wouldn't approve. I'd be punished in one way or another. But back to being in love. It's the greatest thing in the world. You want to spend every moment with the guy. You want to touch him. You want him to touch you. You want to kiss him and then he takes your face in his hands and he kisses you. You want to walk down the street and hold hands. You want to run your fingers through his hair. You want to sit on the sofa in each others arms and just watch TV just like normal people. Oh, did I forget, I'm not normal, I'm gay. I can't do these things-or can I? I guess I won't say then how I want this guy that I'm in love with to make love to me.

Okay, I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. I guess that's why I'm writing this column. I'm mean seriously, who else am I going to tell this stuff to? I'm going to kiss a guy one day. I'm going to have sex one day. I'm going to love a guy and he's going to love me back. These are my hopes and dreams. I'm pretty good looking so I've been told (you know, they say I'm pretty fly for a white boy). A lot of good it's done me so far. Maybe if I was one of those gay guys who act all girlish it would have been easier or me. At least I wouldn't really have to come out. They could figure it out on their own.

By the time this appears in Oasis I will be in college in beautiful Southern California. I will probably be sharing my room with a straight boy. I'll lie to him and tell him I'm straight too. When does the lying stop? I want to know damn it! My parents will still be in the small town that I'm so afraid of that I can't even mention it here. I'll be free. Won't I? Maybe I'm expecting too much.

I must say I've learned a lot from reading the stories in Oasis. I've even had a crush or two on some of the other writers even though I never wrote to any of them. What ever happen to Alan Smithee? When is your next column? I would have written to you but I was too afraid of more rejection. Are you someone that I dream about when I'm about to fall asleep and I'm touching myself without even thinking about it? I hope someday you will write to me.

This next part I write to all the guys who will cross my path who are gay and think they might want me:

You can have my heart
Though it isn't new
It's been used and broken and it only comes in blue
It's been down a long road
And it got dirty on the way
It I give it to you will you make it clean and wash the shame away
You can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things
You can have my life
If you don't mind these tears
Well, I heard that you make all things new
So I give these pieces all to you
If you want it you can have my heart
If you don't mind broken things

You can write to me, and please do, at Freedom4Jeremy@hotmail.com

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