September 2000


As always, I have to send greetings, salutations, and all that jazz out to the people that keep reading my articles and especially the ones that give me some feedback. It really helps to know that people are reading these ramblings of mine. If you ever have any topic suggestions that you'd like for me to try and tackle, then send 'em my way! This is, after all, for you guys as much as it is for me.

Just A Brief Word On Camp...

Jazz camp, as always, was an absolute gas, and I loved being immersed in the whole "jazz music" culture (I don't get that here at home; after all, I live in a small town). Being with people that love the music as much as I do really makes me appreciate how special music is to me, and how much it means to other people as well.

To make things as short as I can (because I want to get to something else), I behaved myself (I told ya I would), learned lots, and by the end of camp, everybody knew me. I love these sorts of social situations, and I make the most of them. Made lots of good friends, and I'm still in touch with them. I'm going back next year for my final year there. Oh no! Little Mikey is growing up way too fast!

Just Friends

I've probably brought this up before, but there's a song called, "I Fall In Love Too Easily," and let me tell you, that song was written for ME. It wouldn't be so bad if I fell for the gay guys, but it's always the closeted ones (I shouldn't be talking, but oh well...), always the taken ones, or worse yet, it's always the straight ones. Oh yes, you ALL know what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Well, it happened again. This time, things are a little different.

I met Anthony (not his real name) last year. You'll remember an article I wrote three months ago about another camp (besides my regular jazz camp) that lasted two weeks that I went to last summer. This is where I came to terms with my sexuality. You'll also recall that I made a good friend, whose name (not his real one) was Rich. He was and is still one of my best gay friends. I also met Anthony at that same camp (he's straight, but he has absolutely no problem with gay people).

At that camp last year, Anthony and I became very close all in a short amount of time. We had told each other things that we had never told other people, not even our other friends that we've known longer (at least, I know I told him that stuff). As I see it, the thing that we had going for us was that we spoke each other's "language" -- we just knew what to say and how to say it in such a way that it engaged us in a very deep way.

Just a few days after we had met, I guess he felt the same way I did (really excited about this new friendship) that he told his mother about it, and they invited me to dinner just a few days later. Later, much later in fact, after dinner, I found out that his mom had said, "Anthony, does Mike know he's gay?" Heavens, she knew it before I did!

The friendship moved forward, and things just got better and better. What made this friendship more profound than any others that I've had was the fact that I was literally talking to myself. Long ago, we both decided that we're the same person. Sure, we obviously different outwardly, but what makes us tick is the same. He's the straight version of me, and I'm the gay version of him, however you want to look at it. Now don't mistake me, not all my friends have to be me, I'm just saying that Anthony is the first person that I can relate to on the level that I can / do because we're very much alike.

We've been keeping in touch throughout the year (soon after the camp, I told him I was gay), and on one occasion, when he was in deep trouble for something that he did, his parents had grounded him from talking to everybody...except me. He had E-Mailed me and said that he needed someone to talk to, and he wanted to talk to me. So I called him, spoke with his dad for a little bit (his parents, now divorced, adore me -- they even said so themselves), afterwards I spoke with Anthony. He told me what he had done (not important in this context), and I listened. I helped him (from what he told me afterwards) sort out his thoughts and also helped him to take a plan of action to better his situation. It helped his situation out a lot, and I was only happy to help.

When I was going to jazz camp this year, we had been talking about my staying over at his house (as he lives in the area of where the camp was to be held) for a few days prior to camp. Plans were made, and then I was off to his house with a friend of mine (to make this short, the friend wanted to go somewhere in the area as well for a mini-vacation, so he just planned his outing alongside mine so that we could go together and save gas money and stuff). My friend stayed at Anthony's with me for two days, and the third day he left. That gave Anthony and I one day by ourselves. I wasn't going to try anything, because I know he's straight and wouldn't do something like that (one can hope, though!).

That day that we were alone, his mom had to go to a meeting in the evening, so we had a few hours to just talk like old times, and it was just like old times, too. It was so nice to be able to talk to him again about anything and everything. I can honestly say that I learned a whole lot more about him by talking with him those couple of hours than I had learned throughout the year when we were in school and talking on the phone. He told me about his new girlfriend (this could be THE one, but only time will tell), I learned more about his outlook on life, and just other general stuff.

A day later, I got a chance to meet his girlfriend at an informal group gathering at Anthony's house (it was his birthday party). She was rather charming and sweet; somebody that I'd like to be friends with. I think she liked me too; I was a flamer that day, so maybe she looked at me more as one of her girlfriends than one of Anthony's male friends. She didn't know I was gay, at least I didn't tell her, but I'm sure by the end of the day she thought I was. Heheheh.

Later that day, it was time for me to go to camp, so I had get my stuff packed and wait for Anthony's mom to take me to camp registration. Anthony obviously had to attend to his guests, so he couldn't come with us to drop me off. Upstairs (the party was taking place downstairs), after I had loaded things into the car, Anthony and I said our goodbyes, and being the Drama Queen that I am, I *almost* (almost) started to cry. I guess he saw that I was rather sad about leaving, because he ended up hugging me like 3 times, which made me feel a billion percent better. Oh yeah, I snuck in a birthday kiss on the cheek, too! Go me!

Even though it was only a few days, it seemed like months (that's a good thing, too!) that I was over there. And even though we've only known each other just one year, it seems like it's been 10. I can only hope that he treasures and values our friendship as much as I do -- I have a feeling that he does.

You'll recall that this section was titled, "Just Friends." That's actually a song title -- the song deals with a couple that are, "Just Friends, lovers no more, Just Friends, but not like before..." You get the idea. As you may or may not have picked up on this, I'm crazy about Anthony. He's the best friend that I've got, he's also the most compatible person that I've met. If I could, right now, I'd move away, go live with him, and spend the rest of my life with him.

In a way, it's a good thing that I really can't. After all, this way, he'll be a friend for the rest of my life. The other way (if we were involved in the OTHER kind of relationship), it could fizzle, deteriorate, or just go all to hell. Of course, that'll never happen anyway, as he's straight, so I shouldn't bother thinking about it. Time to move on. Like the old song is titled, "Now Is The Time," indeed it is. I've dealt with the whole infatuation thing, I've gotten over the fact that I can't have him how I'd like, now I'm ready to deal with Anthony like he deserves to be dealt with: the best friend I have.

Sure, I love him to death, and would do anything for him. WAY down deep inside, there'll be those feelings. I don't think they'll ever go away -- I just think that I'll be able to deal with them better in the future. Indeed, I already am. When I was asked, "What do you look for in a guy?" I would always say the regular answers, "smart, funny, attractive, musical," etc. I have, in fact, found all those things in people that live here in my small town. Why aren't I madly in love with them? Simple; because in reality, those things are fairly superficial. The thing that really counts for me now isn't intelligence, it isn't talent, it isn't good looks.

Now, when asked what I look for in a guy, I tell people that there MUST be that connection. That connection when two people can reach deep inside one another's soul and make that very deep, very personal connection. Puppy love, infatuation, and lust can't even touch this sort of love -- there's way too much depth in it. As I try to describe it, there are so many words that I could use, but there aren't any. The best thing to say is that it must be felt to be known and made apparent. I've gotten only but a glimpse into what love has to offer, and I'm anxious to see what doors will be opened to me, but more importantly, who will open them; not for me, but with me.

God Bless,



Mike is a 17 year old, semi-closeted individual living with his mom and stepdad. He is interested in music, computers, music, reading, music, writing, writing music, listening to music, composing music, arranging music, and other music related things. Mike enjoys feedback and would like to hear from you, and can be reached via ICQ: #56413145 or by E-Mail: Mike_17@gay.com

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