September 2000

September sucks! Summer's just about gone and school's back. Once again, most people gay or str8 are forced to suppress their true selves and put on an act living behind a facade in hopes that they can be "cool." About the only thing I like about September is getting new clothes and getting to wear them. But summer's over and once again I go back to school empty. Like I lost something, not even like I'm losing the freedom of summer but more like empty as if I've failed.

Once again it was a generally boring summer. I keep expecting one of them TV life summers full of beach parties and shit. I had a couple of parties though, so I guess that's not it. So I guess it's the same thing... no boyfriend, I remember leaving school this year thinking this would be the summer; I had a job I had a lot of friends and I was expecting a boyfriend.... finally, who I could spend the whole summer with and be alone with him while my mom was at work.

And now I'll go back to school thinking this will the year, I'll do good, make new friends and get a boyfriend but I'll probably walk away empty again. But this year was not all a waste. I got to go on some cool vacations and I came out to a group of friends as bi and it's nice to be able to say I think this or that guy's hot and not have to pretend I'm turned on by a girl if I'm not. I've even considered coming out at school but it would be too much stress and all and I already am stressed to the max.

But I definitely will be out by senior year, because I will definitely go to prom with a guy if I have a boyfriend. I'm beginning to hate the night because it seems the void is strongest then. I long for a boyfriend so much I can't even explain it and it's painful. I really don't feel too loved or noticed at home, I succeed on my own and so I get no attention and I don't have anyone to love either and I feel almost unhuman and empty. I just have so much emotion and I don't know what to do with it. And I'm almost embarrassed to say but a couple of nights ago I had this dream that I had this great boyfriend and I was laying with him and as I was starting to wake up I could feel the presence of something that I was holding and I just felt so..warm and I thought I actually had a boyfriend with me and when I actually woke up, I realized what happened and cried for almost 15 minutes. And I feel really embarrassed by that. And I keep telling myself things like it will happen this summer, and it will happen before I turn 16, and then before Christmas, and valentine's day and then it seems like once again I'm back to this summer, it will happen. And now according to my parents I might be moving around Christmas and I am really hoping it will happen for me then and there will be someone in my neighborhood, but I also fear I'll finally met someone here and than move and lose him and I kind of wonder if I would be strong enough to handle it. But this is too depressing and I'm trying to stay away from negativity now even though it does feel good to sit down and get it off my chest.

Next month I plan to base my article on coming out because I've been asked for advice on it a number of times. But I would like to say it's not something I'd necessarily advise or try to persuade someone into, I only wish to give advice to those who feel ready and want it.

Like always any questions or comments on anything, no matter what you want to say...feel free to e-mail me at scorpiomonet@hotmail.com Take care and thank you.


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