September 2000

Was it actually me who, just last month, thought that I would be fine without declaring a preference? Sure, it hasn't been killing me or anything, but the summer boredom has definitely made me want a relationship. Friendships aren't enough when everyone around you begins to pair off and you find yourself alone. I want the closeness that comes with "going out" without the intimacy; I can do without that. I want to be able to do something and not have to worry about all of my "friends" needing to cancel because they're going out on a date or something. Also, since ALL of my previous friends are now "taken," I need to make NEW friends.

Aside from the main problem that I have no way of going out and actually meeting these people (especially people who I can connect with and actually feel comfortable around), the main question I have to ask myself, as far as relationships are concerned, is: Which gender would I really want to commit to? I can't very well flirt with both! Sure, it would be fun, but it'd confuse the heck out of everyone. I guess I'm single until school starts again, at the very least.

Do any of you ever get in a really good mood anytime you see another random gay person? Wow, that sounds really pathetic or something; I don't really know what to say about that last line. Anyway, I recently noticed this about myself. I walked into the GAP last week and there was another teenage guy handing out pamphlets. You could immediately hear it in his voice and see it in his actions. Maybe I prejudge a little too much and figure that anyone who talks and acts in that way is gay, but my "gaydar" has been pretty accurate so far. Anyway, I didn't say anything to him, I just looked and smiled (I was also with a group of my friends {before the epidemic hit}, and the fact that they are not yet informed as to my "questioning" status might have made them wonder about me, which is something that I just can't have right now). Even though we didn't converse, it sort-of reminds me that I'm not alone in how I feel. Sure, E-mags and message boards are great, but every once in a while you need to see it to believe it. Or maybe I'm just crazy.

I guess that's all for now. This one's been somewhat rushed since I've missed the deadline and am not even sure if it'll get published. Email me at scottyscloset@hotmail.com if you want to comment or just say hello. I know that I've been really bad about responding, but I'm getting better. Then again, I haven't really received any mail in a few weeks... Sad, isn't it? Well, until next submission.


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