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Miguel Solana

September 2000

I could have been wild and I could have been free
but nature played this trick on me
"Pretty girls make graves" -Morrissey

Two icy-cold hands conducting the way
it's the Eskimo blood in my veins
amid concrete and clay
and general decay
nature must still find a way
so ignore all the codes of the day
let your juvenile influences sway
this way and that way
this way, that way
God, how sex implores you
to let yourself lose yourself
"Stretch out and wait" -Morrissey

You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
you could meet somebody who really loves you
so you go, and you stand on your own
and you leave on your own
and you go home, and you cry
and you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen "now"
well, when exactly do you mean?
see I've already waited too long
and all my hope is gone
"How soon is now" -Morrissey

With no consideration, no pity, no shame,
they have built walls around me, thick and high.
And now I sit here feeling hopeless.
I can't think of anything else: this fate gnaws my mind -
because I had so much to do outside.
When they were building the walls, how could I not have noticed!
But I never heard the builders, not a sound.
Imperceptibly they have closed me off from the outside world.
"Walls" -Constantine Cavafy

So here it is, for the first time in my columns I'm quoting something, it's weird, but I really need it, some these things are part of The Smiths set of songs, I think Morrissey was able to express the feeling of being gay, the feeling of being different, the struggle about being yourself and stick to your feelings, and that's why I love them, I find them quite appealing to me, even when I've never lived that, growing up with those words was like living how I would feel if I were going through that, also I quote somethign by Constantine Cavafy a greek poet from the beginings of XX century , who I think is one of the first open gay poets and also one of the most revolutionary in modern poetry... So this is the begining, of this month's adventure...

I was in Europe for a little bit more than nine weeks, I can simply say that it was a wonderful experience, I learned so many things, discovered new lands, and especially, I discovered myself in a new world having to live under different circumstances, I was able to see how my errors have been part of a process of living, I started to understand what it means to start living by my ideals, and how hard it is to stick to them, it isn't easy but surely it's rewarding to see when you feel the results of your own ideology, good or bad, but simply yours. Though even when you are making mistakes and at the same time you feel you are making the right thing everything is different, there's light, there's a new beautiful thing inside you that will make you want to be different and be proud of that, your own experience, it can be wrong, but it's only yours and it's a new reason to keep living and maybe not about fixing the error in the future, but living from it and recovering the damage done as new inspiration for life, being independent and standing for your own decisions.

When I came back, I was asked about how many guys did I fuck while I was there, I think I didn't feel right about that question, many people asked the same, it was like I was required to get laid with all the guys that came across my way. Still, I didn't, I know it's not for me. For me being gay isn't about getting a guy in my bed, it's about loving, it's not about looking for men, it's about looking for love, for the companion in this road called life... whether it's in the name of friendship or a deeper relationship... I don't ever want to live what is described in Morrissey's lyrics, I want something deeper in my life... something that is more real, less cold, much more warm than outside world, and maybe much more unconventional from what gay people expect from me... but hey, I don't want to fit any model, I think all my life I've struggled to be different, and not only from straight people, but from gay, just try to be myself, to keep up the fight against all those stereotypes that not only outside society set on me, but also gay people, and I don't want that for me, I want that freedom in action where I can be happy, I think I'm so much more than a word... I'm Miguel, a whole human being, not just gay, not just a man, not just a thinking being, that means I'm a being looking for things that fulfill me, that make me feel I'm alive, and I don't think one-night stands are my stuff, I would really feel miserable if I ever did that.

Once I felt hopeless about been able to find the right thing for me, I really felt like an outcast in this world, though I think now I've realized that it's not like that, even when it isn't easy, when it hasn't been at all, there's always a light in the back of the room, where I see and understand how wonderful love can be, how it can be lived everyday in different situations, how it doesn't have to be cold, it doesn't have to fit that idea of a man in your bed or obsessive relationships, everything is 1000 times better when you love, when there's a feeling in between, when you can feel you can give yourself because there's confidence, intimacy, and all those things that make a relationship so wonderful. So I won't give up, I don't think I want to fall in that trap of the easy exit, maybe I'll be a little masochist trying to find love in other person, but I rather stick to that rather than living that empty life that many guys lead everyday without knowing where they're heading to, I want to be happy, and I do what it takes for me to be happy, being patient, caring, tolerant and simply being what I feel like to be, even when it seems to be the rough way, when I feel lonely, when it's like eveything is against me and nothing seems easy, I will try to stick to what I believe that idea of love where I can open up, show myself naked without worrying about being stabbed (even when I know that can happen...I'll trust), be what I am, and give all my love and show that I know it's hard, but it's what makes me and will make me happy, I don't want to fall in that coldness, I want to keep my heart warm inside with the hope for love, the one that I live now and the one that is coming in the future... Europe gave me many chances to see how cold this world can be for a young man, but also showed me that the world isn't all like that, it's so much more than that, it's an open heart waiting there to be opened, so love and be loved...

So that's it for now, i hope I didn't put you to sleep as maybe I always do... I hope you have a great month again... and if you need anything or simply want to get in touch for good or bad with the author of this, email me at: cranguy@yahoo.com

Miguel


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