September 2000

Haylo once again readers. I don't have that many off-hand things to talk about so wtf, let's just get into the column. Just keep in mind that if you don't like the first section, there is the second under it and you should read that too.

My Bisexuality*

Ahhh... see that little asterisk next to 'Bisexuality'? That's because mine comes with a definition. Not that bisexuality isn't normally defined but.. anyways; When I first started writing these columns about 2 years ago I wrote that I was gay. Now I refer to myself as bisexual (since labels are so important to people). I didn't lie when I told you I was gay, providing you've been keeping track of me for the past two years. At the time, I was attracted to guys, wanted them, lusted them. But now I have he same feelings for some girls as well. Now, I don't believe that I just suddenly had these feeling pop up and say, "ohhh yeah, by the way forgot to tell you, ya like girls too", because when it comes to sexuality I don't believe in 'spontaneous' decisions like that. All those hypocritical (which I've already admitted I am but this is a different kind of hypocrisy) "formerly-homosexual" people who were 'born again' and believe it's a choice pretty much sicken me. I believe that I've always had the underlying feelings that I can easily recognize now, except, EXCEPT, that since I had and have a stronger feeling towards guys that I somehow passed off any attraction to a girl as fleeting. Yes, even though I'm bisexual I find guys more attractive, and from what I've been told, easier to please. Poor me and my virginity.

Anyway, in the past, my only relationship with girls was the emotional kind, you know "we know each others' secrets, we know each other" sort of deals, and those I appreciate. But now I'm feeling stronger, more sexual attractions to them. And like I said before, so you don't rip me apart, I think I've always had them. No, I wasn't a confused adolescent, I didn't make a conscience choice to be attracted to guys (even though I don't believe I was attracted to only guys). Hell, maybe I just hated everyone in Middle School so much, especially the preppy flimsy girls, that I only had one sex to focus on. Providing those assholes were human.

Like a lot of gay or bisexual people I had had girlfriends in the past, mostly for the same reasons, to cover up my sexuality. We never did anything, mostly because I would say to myself 'hey, you're gay, why are you kissing her?'. When I did have some sort of relationship with a girl and we kissed and such (I'm still weeping about my virginity now, oh the chances I had...) I wasn't disgusted by kissing her, it was great. But, because of my own need for labels, and stupidity, I never allowed anything to happen. But of course most of the ex-girlfriends I've had were from Middle School, so I think that explains it.

So anyway, keep in mind I'm writing this in August, so when you read it, I might have succeeded at starting a girlfriend boyfriend relationship. A real one, not one that is a few weeks of kisses and holding hands. I might have finally gathered up the courage to actually pick up the phone and call her house and ask if that kiss was going to lead us somewhere. Ask her if she had some kind of feeling for me that could allow us to start and continue a relationship. And ask her if she could meet me somewhere cos, I still don't have my license. Or I might have never gotten the gall to call her and she hates me now for never talking to her. Providing I haven't thoroughly disgusted you and chased you away, I'll let you know.


Another thing I've been thinking about lately. Since I believe the bible to be a book of human tales and lies, this isn't about how having pride will make you go to hell, etc etc blah and blah; though it may provoke it. I don't really have any pride, no school pride, no gay/bisexual pride, no white pride. I'll never participate in cheering on the school to win the big game, never wear a shirt that say 'I'm white, congratulate me' or be a part in a parade. I don't have school pride just because I don't like them. But, I don't have other pride because, what do I have to be proud of? I was born the way I am(which is a good song by Eminem): white, bisexual, blonde haired, middle class... why should I be proud of something that I only need to be born to achieve? When it comes to sexuality, race, culture, and money that you were born into or had no part in bringing to the household, why should I be proud to have it? Why should you? If you're gonna be proud of something, be proud of something that you had to work for: rights, paychecks, relationships, don't be proud of what you were born with. I view that as just being vain. A way to boost your morale with a falseness. I can understand being proud if you've somehow overcome prejudices PERMANENTLY or proven someone wrong who thought that you could never do it. But don't be proud because of something you were born with. At some point, pride becomes annoying anyway. And in the end, it doesn't always accomplish as much as intended, so, it gets hurt. You're probably safer without it. Unless you're packin' and have a helicopter, cuz, we all know, fast cars aren't the way to escape the police.

Enjoy you're month of returning to school(providing...),



"God created idiots for practice, then He made the school board" ~Mark Twain (even though I don't believe in that god, a nifty quote to use)

©1995-2000 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.