By Caine35, caine35@hotmail.com

Desire is a funny thing. Many think that similarities make you fall in love, but that is wrong. Many of my fellow students at Vilseck High think that one must love each other through liking the same thing. Partially this statement is true, but desire is rather the longing for something that would never match or compare to you. Desire can be seen as a magnet, north repels north, but attracts in south. I never knew this till the day I met Mark. Mark was new at Vilseck High and thought it would be great. The day he came into my life was more than just love, but desire.

August 28th was the day school started all over again. This year I was senior and I didn't change a bit. Normally the status of a senior is to stick his or her nose up in the air and act like he was the high boss. I on the other hand stayed the way I was. I started the day by going early to school. I got my schedule from the gym and sat on one of the oh so many cold stairs this school had to offer. Regulation was that no one was to enter till eight o'clock, but I wasn't the average student. I was secluded and hardly had many friends, most of my friends were here for at least five years. We knew everything and were known for it. When new people came here, I would greet them with a kind "welcome to hell" speech that describes how lame it is over here. One year later, the students that were new, realized that they would rather be in an asylum than here, except for Mark. Mark was optimistic. He made his own fun and made things look better. The first day was routine for him. He was told by the principal to go to the counselor and get a tour with the rest of the new students. This year was crowded with new students. Ever since the problem with Kosovo, people have been coming and going. While I was sitting waiting for class to start I notice the group going through the halls. The crowd was like a herd of sheep that was lead by the wolf. Soon they passed me and had a break by the stairs and that's when I saw him, Mark.

"Maybe we should explore on our own" Mr. Mobkins the counselor said while wiping the sweat off his shriveled little head. "Then we would go faster and not take so much time." He wanted to get this tour over with. He hated teenagers. One time he freaked out and yelled, "Damn you whores!". A year later, he finally came back from the rehab clinic. "Kevin!" said Mr. Mobkins "would you take at least one student on a tour?" "Why should I?" I said in a reluctant voice. "I just want to go to class?" "Please? I can't do this on my own it's torture!" said Mr. Mobkins in a voice filled with despair. At that point, I knew he was this close to going berserk. "Okay, but just one" I said trying to express my discontent. "Fine, take this one he asks too many questions." He said pointing to Mark. Mark looked like one of those people you see in TV series that have the perfect teens. I hated the perfection in people because of my jealousy and of my pessimistic lifestyle. "Hey! My name is Mark!" he said with one of those kiss-up voices "I'll be seeing you mister Mobkins!' "Yeah, Yeah!" Mobkins said as he led the group to the next room of interest

"God he's an ass!" Mark said as he turned away from the group. I was startled hearing this from him, but it gave me security by letting me know I'm not the only one who thinks the counselor is an ass. "So how's the school really" he said in a doubtful manner as he turned to enjoy the urine colored tiles. "God do you guys piss on the walls! What's with the colors?" "Some idiot that was are principal thought the colors would show our school spirit" I said "What a shitty spirit" he said while siting on the stairs. " So why the heck are you here at this time of day?" "I come here Early" I said, "I don't like being late. I don't like crowds and it's crowded later on." I hated conversations, and I didn't like when someone would ask me questions that refer to my routine program of getting over with everything. There was no question that he knew I hated what he was doing, but he challenged me. All I could do is put up with it and just guide him to his classes. Since we had first period together, he followed me to my locker and noticed the design. I covered my locker with pictures of things. No human was to be seen on my pictures, but the beauty of nature. "What's with the pictures?" he said, "What do you mean?" "Where are the friends?" he said while waving his hands sarcastically by my locker "Why don't you have people on your pictures?" "I don't have friends, I just have acquaintances. Here you have to get used to not having long-term friendships. Most move after a year and don't come back." I adapted to this fact while most didn't. Most people cry and sob about them, but I didn't. Mark just looked at me and almost had a frown on his face. I thought I got him into the real world and helped him let go of relying on friends, but then came Chris.

"Hey Kevy boy!" Chris said as he slammed my locker door. "Your locker is in the fucking way, just like you!" Chris was the typical social bitch. He was a football player on our school team. God I hated him! Everyday he would somehow torture me with words or try to wrestle me. Wrestling was the easiest due to the fact that I had the sharpest nail in the world. He still has scars from my first attack. Chris didn't rely on notes to bring him to college. He relied on two things scholarships or military. He thought one day that if he joins the military, then he would get a free education. That was only his second option though, he hoped that the football scholarships would bring him through. He didn't have a girlfriend because he says it would hook him to one chick instead of all the one he bangs at night (yeah right). "Who the hell are you, and why are you hanging out with this freak?" "My names Mark," Mark said " I just got here and he's my tour guide." "You don't have to hang out with him just come with me and I'll show you the interesting people." Chris said, but suddenly the bell rang and we all had to go to our first class. "Now it's time to meet our first novelty teacher." I said as we entered the room to our History class. "This is Mr. Donnley, we also call him Mr. Dozer." "Why?" Mark said as we sat down. "You'll find out why." with these words, Mr. Donnley started his daily sleep treatment by explaining why the depression occurred. I look over toward Mark and notice he was about to fall asleep until he noticed me. All he did was look at me while I smiled and said "That's why". After the first period I showed him his other classrooms so that I didn't have to go to my second period. When we got to his seventh period, we agreed to met during lunch time.

"Great lunch" Mark said sarcastically "The food's to die for or die over? I don't know which" he enjoyed laughing over it because he still had to get use to the fact that this was our diet. "How can you eat this crap!" "Just hold your nose so that it doesn't taste so bad." I said while jamming a pizza down my throat. I could see that he didn't like the food. His face was literally green because of the hamburger he ate. The food was down and we were ready to leave, but then came Amy the slut. According to the urban legends, she was the bitch that invented position 69. She was the blond big breasted chick that fucked anyone. I one time caught her in the boys bathroom giving head to two ex-students of Vilseck. "What have we here," she said as she sat down next to us "you must be the guy Chris told about in the bath-uh class room" she uttered. Everyone knew that Chris was fucking Amy. Almost daily she would go and have sex with him. I wasn't jealous however, I didn't even have sex yet. I found sex as a thing that wasn't necessary and just went on with my life. "Yeah," Chris said as he made space for her to sit down "I just came from California". "Oh! I know people in Cali," she said sitting down "I got friends there!" "Her fuck friends that is!" I said while getting up "Just shut up Kevy-boy," Amy said as she got up and left because of my statement "Your such an ass!" With the flick of her middle finger, she left to get lunch, but at that point I was half way out of the lunch room. I just left Mark there thinking that he could get along without me. As always, I went to the football field to relax and escape from the loud and wild world. I loved the silence of the football field. No one ever thought of going to the football field for lunch, except to have sex with someone. One time I caught two people by the toilets all the way on the other side of the benches. The toilets were locked and not used, so it was the ideal place to make out. I didn't care if people went there to have fun, but it got annoying to hear everyone call me a pervert, I didn't even care if they had sex. This day however was calm, until Mark found me. "Man does Amy have problems," he said "so are the rumors true that they say about her?" "Yeah" I said with a small laugh in my voice "She's known as the canyon Amy." The moment I said that, he started laughing too. Mark sat down next to me and started staring at me. "What are you doing here?" he said as he tried to see what I was staring at "It's lame here, why don't you go inside and talk to people?" Mark said with a therapeutical voice. He didn't understand what I liked about this place. "I love this place" I said "I love the silence, it helps me relax." I said as I stared back at him. At first he just looked more confused and thought that I was a freak, but then he realized what I meant while just sitting there and enjoying the silence.

Months have passed and Mark and I still met on the football field. We grew into our classes and due to Mark, I got some friends. However, this would end. It was a couple days before the homecoming dance that went on at our school. Everyone was talking about who they would go out with. That day we were in the gym getting ready for physical education. Chris was with his clique dressing while I was in the corner getting undressed. Mark was already finished when the conversation started. "Hey Mark," Chris said with his sporty voice "who are you going with to the dance?" "I'm not going," Mark whispered as he turned his head down "I can't find anyone to go out with." "Want me to hook you up," Chris replied " I know this chick who has the hots for you." Mark got up and started walking towards the door "Nah it's okay" he said as he opened the door. At that point everyone heard the conversation. Whether it was the teacher or the girls in the other locker room, they all heard us. Chris said "Why not?" as he pulled his pants up and ran to the door where Mark was. "Because I'm gay." No one said anything after that. I was the only one who didn't react to the statement Mark made. All the other people just stood there with there pants down and mouths open. I just got dressed and walked outside while the other just stood there. Even the teacher was shocked, not to mention the girls that heard our conversation. One even said "God no!" while I walked out with Mark. It was fun to see everyone react to the message. That was a day I would never forget.

After the hour of sweat and torture from our teacher, we went back to the musty smelling lockers. At first I was like normal, but when it came to undressing, everyone moved to another stall of lockers so that Mark wouldn't get any sick ideas. I on the other hand didn't care. I just got undressed where I usually do it. I looked at Mark and we both smiled and started to laugh. I liked the idea that he knew how I felt. He felt the same way as I felt, as an outcast. Don't get me wrong I wasn't like him, but I was treated the same way as Mark. After that incident, things changed.

It was the day of the homecoming dance. I went because I got extra credit if I helped sell food. An hour later I was about to leave, but then I saw Mark. Mark just stood there with is suit and drank some punch. "Why are you here?" I said while walking towards him. He slowly turned his head toward me and said "Just to have some fun." "You know that everyone is staring at you" I said as I stood next to him "They still don't accept you because of that incident in the lockers." "So what! Fuck them" Mark said as he put his empty cup down on a table close by. "I don't care what these hicks think of me." In a way I felt sorry for him. He was just treated just like me or maybe even worse. I noticed he drank more than just punch. So I decided to bring him out before he did anything. I didn't think he would want to go home in this situation, so I just sent him to my place. He was as drunk as a bum and smelled like that too. I called his mother after an hour of trying to get the phone number out of him. I told her that I was a friend and that he had something with the tires and that I took him home since I lived by the school. I took him to the couch and placed him down so that he would sleep the booze out. "Guess what," Mark said as he leaned up to whisper something in my ear "I love yo..Uhh." He coughed up everything he ate that day on my floor and fainted. The statement was shocking, but with him being drunk and barfing all over my floor, I thought it was just drunk gibberish. So after cleaning the vomit, I went to sleep on the recliner. My Dad went to Kosovo and my Mom had to go to emergency leave, so I controlled the house. Keeping a friend here wasn't much of a problem so I thought he could stay here a day so he can sleep his hangover off.

The next day he woke up with headache that would make anyone kill themselves. He moaned and groaned until I mentioned breakfast. First I gave him a bowl of dry wheaties so that the stomach would feel better. I then told him to drink salt water to absorb the alcohol. After that, I started to tell him what happened. I showed him the stains of vomit and said his parents agreed with the plan. An hour later, he got rid of the hangover. As I was in the bathroom taking a shower, he was spying in my room. He noticed a camera and said. "Looks like you like photography, am I right?" "Yeah, it's an old system, but I like getting good pictures." I said while wrapping a towel around my waist.

Normally I felt unsafe walking around with just a towel, but I didn't with him. I went into my room and saw him flash a picture of me. "What are you doing?" I asked in shock as I grabbed the camera from him. "I just wanted to take a picture, that's all." he said as he went towards my bed. He then just sat there staring at me. "What's the big deal?" "I just don't like it." I said as I put the camera back in it's case "It's weird?" he said as he looked around at my room "What?" "You don't have pictures of yourself. You have pictures of everything but yourself. Why is that?" I didn't answer. A few seconds of thinking made Mark realize that I didn't like myself, and he was right. "Looking at myself destroys the beauty of my other photos. I can't compete to the beauty of anything in this room.'' I was embarrassed to say it, but it felt good to admit what you felt to someone. I didn't know why I said that, but it felt good. My heart got lighter and lost one of the stabbing swords that attacked it. Mark then came to me and smiled. "Your better looking than me!?" he said as he turned to the camera case. He then picked up the camera from the case and took another picture of me. That second time I didn't yell or react aggressive. "How's about a photo shooting?" he asked as he aimed for a third shot. "I will not keep the pictures, I'm not a pervert who jacks off at pictures. In fact, you can keep the pictures." he said as he took the third. At that point he knew I would say yes and took more pictures. I was on the bed still with the towel around my waist. With every picture, I felt as though something was coming back. I felt as though a far away feeling came back and it was good. I felt like someone who felt the sun on their skin for the first time. The warmth and comfort was something I never felt. A few minutes later, I felt free and didn't care what others thought of me and started having fun. The camera gave me self-esteem. I no longer hid behind the camera. We had fun that day and when the pictures came, I gave one to Mark. Back then I wanted to destroy the pictures, but I liked them so much. I framed one and hanged it in my room. The one I gave Mark was in his wallet. He said it would remind him of that day. I ,however didn't need a picture to remember that day. After that day, I felt more open and free.

School was almost over. We all had good grades and had a month till school ended. Mark and I stayed over at each others houses frequently and went clubbing. We enjoyed spending time together. No one talked to Mark anymore, they were all homophobic rednecks. Gym lockers were still empty and he understood why I liked the silence. During exams, I spent the days planning our farewell party. Since me and Mark were going to different colleges, we wanted to go away from school with a big bang. One night Mark and I stayed up at my place to think about what we were going to do. "What about prom?" Mark said as he was nibbling on Teddy Grams. "What about it?" I said snatching the Teddy Grams away from him. "Let's go to it!" he said trying to keep a grip on the bag. "Now you know they're not going to treat you friendly" I said as if I were his mother. "Remember last time?" he asked. I did remember that day and hoped we wouldn't talk about it. "Yes, and you ended up drunk on my couch!" I replied. Mark stood up and went to the bed. He probably wanted to prevent me from stealing his Teddy Grams. I still didn't know if he meant the "I love you" from that night and hoped it never came back. "I told you that I didn't care that night" he said as he turned from funny to serious. "I remember my love statement too." That was when I realized that he meant it. I wasn't afraid or anything, I just hoped that Mark wouldn't mention what he said. "Those were just Drunken words!" I said as I went to the door "You didn't mean that" "No, I did," Mark whispered "I love.." "No!" I interrupted and turned away. He looked at me and even though he didn't say anything, I knew what he felt for me. "We're just friends," I said "I'm not like that." He then got off the bed and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Yes you are, I know it" he said as he rubbed my stomach " we've gotten closer ever since the camera thing with the camera. We spent more time together and we are more open to each other. You have to feel something for me?" I broke free from his hug with a simple hand movement. He then turned me around and held my head still with his two hands. "Look into my eyes Kevin," he whispered to me "Look at me and tell me you don't feel anything for me." I looked deep into his eyes and wished not to find anything. I hoped for a doubt that would bring me back to a normal level of thinking, but I couldn't. The moment I looked into his eyes, I found the love of my life. I didn't care if it was a man or a women, I love him. Hesitating at first, I kissed him. He slowly put his head to my waist and kissed me like in a movie you wish you were part of. It was a kiss of true love and of true desire. I felt the desire for love for the first time. We loved each other that night and hoped that it would last forever, but we knew it would wither. I wanted that night to never end, but we woke up to the real world. My parents didn't catch us because of their heavy sleep and next morning we stalled our feelings and went to school.

That morning I constantly thought of him and almost everyone could see. We stared at each other constantly, wrote notes, and talked in the hallways. At the end of the school day, he came to me and asked again about the prom. I couldn't refuse, he was who I wanted to be with, I started thinking like him. I didn't care about the world, I was free. I agreed and got ready for maybe the best time of my life. I got ready for the prom.

Mark came over to pick me up. He told my parents that he was just the driver and that I would go alone. Mark wanted to keep the thing secret so that both my parents and his won't notice that we loved each other. We were quiet till we went to the prom. We spent the time in the car listening to music and smiling at each other. We arrived and got ready for the ignorance of the other guests. We got out and started to the party. Half-way there, Mark reached for my hand and said "We're together, I'll help you through this." I was afraid of this coming out, but still I felt happy about this. I gave him my hand and we went to the party. We came to the entrance and the people in the front were shocked. Instead of insults, they just stood there staring. When we came in, we went to the dance floor. There the music played, but most were just watching us. I felt happy that we came together. Chris one time came up to us with Amy and said "I knew you were a freak, but not that freaky!" I just left him there. I had to go to the bathroom and washed my hand. The dance was great. No one cared anymore about us except for the football team. They still hated Mark for what he was. I took some fresh air from a window in the bathroom and notice something horrid going on in the parking lot. At first I thought it was one of those drunk fights friends do, but when I saw Mark as one of the fighters, I was in rage.

I ran into the parking lot hoping it wasn't too late. Chris stood there just looking. The others were screaming and yelling "Faggot" and "Bitch" as one of the guys on the team beat Mark in the stomach while he was on the muddy ground. I broke through the chain of people and got to Mark. He was unconscious and lost a lot of blood. The man fighting him suddenly came up from behind and tried to kick me down, but I grabbed his leg and slashed him like an animal on the face. A scar ran from one side of the man's face to the other. The guy then ran away with the others following. Only Chris was there. "What are you looking at ass!" I screamed like a madman. "Get help! call an ambulance!" Chris stood there in pity, I could see he didn't want this. Without hesitating he called and when it came, I got onto the ambulance with Mark so that he wouldn't be alone. Chris still stood there watching, but when the ambulance was about to leave, he jumped in. "What do you think your doing?" I asked as he closed the doors "I want to help," Chris said "I didn't want this." "It won't help" I said as the ambulance started "You hated him all this time and now you expect him to forgive you, no way!" I could have punched Chris that day, but I cared more for Mark than for him. Mark went straight to the emergency room. He broke a rib and his arm. He had to stay a day there to make sure no internal bleedings have occurred. I spent hours there next to him. He just laid there sleeping his pain away. After an hour, I went back out and saw Chris in the hallway. At first I didn't notice him. I was busy scraping the skin of the other guy off my nails. As I was doing this Chris came up to me with flowers. He wanted to know how he was. "I..I'm sorry," Chris said "I liked him" "No you didn't," I yelled "You just stood there....watching how he was nearly killed! You did nothing! Nothing!"

Chris looked down to the floor I even noticed a slight tear run from his face. "Go to your girl and be happy! You got what you wanted! Now go!" Chris threw the flowers to the wall as he ran from the halls of the hospital. I just sat down and cried. No one felt what I felt. I was shocked and angry even though Mark wouldn't have wanted it that way. Two days later, he was sent home.

We gave him a big party. Although not many were there, it was still fun. We spent most of the time listening to music and trying to forget the fight. Two hours into the party, Chris came over. I didn't want to see him, all of us didn't. Suddenly Mark stood up and welcomed Chris. Although we hated him, we accepted his apology and continued the party. The party was almost over. Most people went, all but Chris.

We were eighteen and drank too much champagne. We went up to my room and they stayed the night over. I got the sleeping bags out and we got ready for bed. Both me and Mark stayed in the bed while Chris stayed on the floor. Then in the middle of the night, Chris woke us up and asked "Can I sleep with you guys?" "Sure, jump in." I said as I got closer to Mark to make space. We were all in the bed and tried to sleep, but then the silence broke with Chris. "I love you Kevin" he said "I loved you since tenth grade." I was shocked over him. He then slowly moved one finger from his hand to my cheek. It slowly went lower and soon Mark started too. I forgot what Chris did and let my feelings flow. That night we didn't have sex, but we touched and kissed. We knew this would be the last time we would see each other. We let everything go that we felt for each other, for the next day would be different.

The next day I woke up and Chris was gone. He left early, but Mark was still there. We laid there for an hour without moving. We even cried because we would never see each other. I would go to college and so would Mark. Sooner or later we got dressed and went down to say good-bye to each other. Instead of going home and getting ready to go to college, I stayed and waited to say good-bye. Mark finished packing and went to the car to go to the airport. I ran towards him with tears in my eyes. He dropped his suitcase and embraced me in his arms. I never wanted this. I loved him. Why did he have to go? In the end he did, and I left too....

College was a drag. I hated doing it. I never met another man. Mark was the only one I loved. No matter how many liked me, I just wanted him. When I was 28, I started as a hired photographer. I worked for magazines like Vogue, Cosmopolitan, Rolling stone, and GQ. All wanted me as permanent photographer, but I wanted to be free, as free as with Mark. Two years later, I worked for a magazine called Opposite. It was a gay magazine that was not a tasteless magazine. When I met to make arrangement, I saw the owner, Mark. At college he learned both journalism and graphic design. He worked for other magazines till he made his own. I missed him so much. We went out and I joined his magazine as partial owner. A year later, we were the first gay married couple of London. There in London we lived and published our magazine. Chris died however. He killed himself while in the army. He couldn't take the stress that he had. It was said that he was raped by fellow soldiers. He sued the government and lost. He was kicked out of the army and didn't graduate college. They found him all over the side walk after he jumped of a building in New York. Every time we go to the States, we buy him flowers, the same type he gave Mark at the party. I'll always remember the days we were together and hoped that there would be more. For I loved Mark. I desired only him....

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