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Elliot

October 2000

"October"

By Robert Frost - 1913

"O hushed October morning mild,
Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
To-morrow's wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
The crows above the forest call;
To-morrow they may form and go.
O hushed October morning mild,
Begin the hours of this day slow,
Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,
Beguile us in the way you know;
Release one leaf at break of day;
At noon release another leaf;
One from our trees, one far away;
Retard the sun with gentle mist;
Enchant the land with amethyst.
Slow, slow!
For the grapes' sake, if they were all,
Whose leaves already are burnt with frost,
Whose clustered fruit must else be lost--
For the grapes' sake along the wall."

I'm feeling a little woozy here. I’ve been listening to the Wallflowers CD over and over…

"But it doesn’t matter where the money went
It wasn’t how she paid rent"

(I knew a Marlena once. Hell I slept with one. He was living with an older guy to support him, but wasn’t enjoying any of the sex, so I helped him remember just how fun sex really was. But he was lost. He knew it, too. He was hurting and alone. He disappeared a bit back; no one’s heard from him in a while… we hope he went home, back north.)

"There’s got to be someone we can trust
Out here among us"

(Sometimes I feel like a Marlena myself. Just because of those two little lines there.)

Being 23 now (since Sept 8th) hasn’t changed me one bit. I still feel pain and loneliness. I still feel empty, even after good sex. The sex can’t replace the part of me that’s missing, the part that needs someone else. I’m sure I’m headed down some road to destruction or something. I’m sure I’ll die young… I used to wish for that; now the only thing I wish for is that I’ll experience true love and compassion from another man before I die young.

I feel empty and lonely. I bury myself in my work (working over 60 hours a week) to keep myself from thinking about how alone I am.

October sports the only Friday the 13th in the year 2000. Kinda kewl, huh? Kinda like my life, a real horror story.

I think maybe I lose a little piece of me every time I orgasm. I don’t just mean physically, either. I mean spiritually. Like a little piece of my soul is stolen away from me and I can never get it back. After a while, the little pieces form a big enough hole that it's noticeable.

At first I went through and got rid of all my so-called friends that were just users. Then I got rid of the liars and the haters. That took care of most of the straight peo-ple I know, and a whole bunch of the gays… then I got rid of the people who just treated me like shit. When I was done housecleaning (Michael was the last of it…) I realized I had filled my life with people, not friends.

I feel alone now, but I realize that its better than it was before. Hopefully, it won’t stay this way for long.

Now, I’m just me. Take me for what I am. What you see is what you get. The problem with that is not too many people are attracted to what they see. Not too many people want to take me for me. So here I am.

Did you read that poem up there? Go read it again, it’s fucking brilliant. Imagine yourself as a grape, awaiting impending death. Kinda makes you think, huh? From the moment we’re born we begin to die.

***

Elliot is now 23. He’s a fucking psycho of whom you should all be afraid. He wants to steal your children in the night and feed them brussel sprouts and liver til they get very very sick. If you believe this, you are a gullible, naïve shit, who should be shot. Repeatedly. No one writes anyhow, but just cuz I get paid (yeah right) to write this I should mention you can send your puny comments (like they matter) to kalelliot@hotmail.com

PS: This here’s for all ya’ll with too much free time. Translate this quote.

"Mitte sectari, rosa quo locorum
Sera moretur."

The first person to send me a correct translation will win something. A prize, I guess. How about a cookie? That’s it; the first correct translation gets a cookie. As an added bonus, if you can say who said it or where it’s from, I’ll send you two cookies!!!!


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