October 2000

Sex, sex, sex. That's all that everyone thinks about here in Los Angeles. I'm so confused. What's the deal? When I left off in my last column I was about to leave for school. I was able to take two summer courses before the actual semester started. Don't get the idea that I'm some geek who just wants to keep his head in a book. What I wanted was to get to California as soon as possible and move into the dorm. I achieved what I set out to do.

I took the long drive from what I now refer to as my parents' home to my new home in Southern California and I hope to never see my parents' home again. The dorms are pretty empty during this part of the year. I might actually have wound up in a different dorm with different experiences if I waited until the actual fall semester started and all the dorm rooms were available. Instead I wound up with people who spent most of the summer in school. At first I thought they were a nice bunch of people. I fell into my old habit of making people believe I was straight and I talked about girls. I got a hold of myself as quickly as I could and stopped that shit before I wound up exactly where I left off.

I didn't come out or anything. That would certainly be uncalled for at this time. My roommate is all right. I was happy that I wasn't attracted to him. He's the straight boy that I was expecting. I share a room with him and we share a bathroom with one other room with two other guys. They make homophobic remarks all the time and I have to laugh with them. What else am I supposed to do? I thought about saying "you guys sound like such bigots and you could really hurt some gay person's feelings if they heard you say that". By the time I thought to say that the opportunity passed and I have pretty much stayed out of their way. The fact is, if I said that I might as well have put a dunce cap on and stood in the corner of my room. I mean, who really talks like that? I didn't have the hots for my roommate at all until I accidentally got a look at his nakedness by accident. Now I've been spending more than my share of time jacking off in the bathroom. He's my latest fantasy and I'm just waiting to develop the crush that will crush me once again.

Okay, so you're wondering why I'm talking about sex and that I complained about it at the beginning. Give me a break and I will tell you. I ventured out to the gay bars of West Hollywood with my fake ID packed in my wallet. I went to a bar called Rage and met a guy within two minutes of walking in the door. He came up to me and started talking to me. He was really nice and really cute. He was a bit older (22) and working already. I felt so grown up for the first time in my life. We talked and I danced with a guy for the first time. It seemed natural. I thought I would feel weird but I didn't. I'm also a good dancer, if I say so myself, and we had fun. We had a few beers and then we left and talked some more. Then he walked me to my car and I had my first kiss - and my second and third and then I stopped counting because we kissed for a very long time - out in the open with me leaning against my car and him leaning on me. He kissed my lips, my neck, my ear. I felt totally numb. I could have come right there and then. The evening ended there as we said good-night, exchanged phone numbers, and I headed back to the dorm.

The next morning he called me and invited me to a party in Palm Springs. It was just for the day. I'll skip a lot here because the party was no big deal. Palm Springs looked really nice though. Wow, what a place. I definitely want to go back there again. When we drove back to L.A. he wanted me to come to his apartment. He wanted sex and I always thought that when someone that looked like him wanted to have sex with me I would do it in a heartbeat. WRONG! I couldn't do it. I didn't want to go. It wasn't the reaction I expected from me. It's not like I want to hold onto my virginity as if it's a mutual fund or something. He knew I was a virgin and that is why he didn't ask me to go home with him the night we met (so he had a plan). But when we got back from Palm Springs he totally expected that I was going to have sex with him. Then I started getting more nervous because I was thinking that if he was being so hard headed about having sex he was going to expect me to "perform" well. How can I perform well if I never did it and have no idea what I'm doing? That's when it struck me that if two people care about each other those things would take care of themselves. We didn't care about each other. We hardly knew each other. I never heard from him again after that night. At first I thought maybe he did like me and that he would call and apologize and ask me out. It never happened. I am back from the land of Oz now and see the world for what it's really like. I guess you're saying that I just happened to meet one jerk. Well, that's not the case. I've since met lots of jerks at a number of different clubs. Everyone seems to just want SEX!

I found out that I'm different than I thought I was. Maybe even better in some ways. I found out that I respect myself enough to decide when I want to have sex and with whom. I think I may want to make the first move. What ever happens I'm not going to let anyone push me into anything. I see a million guys that I want to have sex with but when it comes right down to it I know I wouldn't. I wonder how normal this is. All guys want to have sex, right? Why am I feeling this way then? Maybe I want to be in love first. Is that wrong? Maybe even just another crush.

I went to the Gay and Lesbian Center in West Hollywood and found that it wasn't for me. I think you are supposed to have your hair and nails done before you go there or something. I don't know what exactly it was about the place but I didn't like it. I hope that if there are other gay people in the L.A. area who want to go and see what it's like they don't listen to my opinion. I'm just learning. I don't know nuthin' 'bout birthin' no babies. If you don't know where that line comes from watch "Gone with the Wind". It's long but worth it.

You can write me at freedom4jeremy@hotmail.com and I'd be happy to reply.

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