October 2000

Fall has this sort of uncontrollable power over me. Perhaps it's school starting back, or the cool nights at a football game, but I'm always overwhelmed by this time of year. I see things-like the sun shining through the barren trees on our street and casting the most intricate shadows on the fallen leaves-and I have to stop to question myself: why do I feel so anxious this time of year? Sometimes I'll see something as common as the pumpkins for sale around Halloween, and I think back to the past few years. It's always fall that has had so much power and control in my life, and influenced the person I've become. I've grown to detest Spring and Summer because they have no bearing on anything true to my life; I've felt the most rebirth in a time other individuals go through a state of death.

I keep trying to be optimistic that my quality of life is going to improve soon; it always has in the fall. And it's odd-there's always been about a two week stint each year that I just feel alive, as for the first time, and then I experience this huge letdown. Two years ago it was my coming out to my parents, and last year it was having my first relationship with another guy; it just leads me to question what the world has in store for me next.

There is a sense that I'm changing, reaching a point of understanding that I've never had in life. I'm beginning to see things in a different perspective now, and I'm realizing that I am someone different. I love the fact that I'm progressing through the things that have brought me so much misery recently. I know what it's like to be burned, to have your heart trampled on and to be explained by "sorry"; I'm ready to see what it's like to find love and compassion in mankind. There is more to life than what I know; what it is, I suppose I'll just have to wait and see...




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