October 2000

Well, we were going together for a month and a half, almost two, that's the longest I've ever been with a guy! Without a boyfriend, I really don't have a life. I put in a request to cut back my hours at work so I can better study for school. Last night my friend and I added up how much I would make and subtracted everything. Final answer: I'm broke. I would break even every month. I go to school, come home, go to work, come home and sleep. Repeat as necessary.

Living on your own isn't what its cracked up to be. It's kinda lonely, I don't have money at all, and without a boyfriend there isn't a real reason to have my own place. I always wanted to get my own apartment because then I could have a boyfriend and he could come over whenever he wanted. Whereas at my parents' house, they didn't like for anyone to spend the night and never could give me a reason; this occurred shortly after they decided I was probably gay. Living on my own is nice when it comes to people crashing whenever they want, but most of my friends are leeches anyway. My own place is wonderful when I have a boyfriend but I don't and that makes it a little hard to come home each night alone.

Since Barry dumped me, I've gotten edged out of the gay crowd at work. He was really tight with them and when we started dating they all liked me. They invited me to Waffle House to their group, talked to me, became my friends. But since he dumped me they've begun to ignore me, walk away, and I don't get invited to the waffle house. I know life isn't about getting invited to the waffle house, but it's weird how one day I'm a nice guy whom everybody talks to, to a nobody who everybody ignores. I even have to find out via a third party that I've been dumped. I ask all his friends if they know why and they're like " I dunno...."

It's so stupid. More and more it's getting really annoying being gay. It's so hard to find anyone when you don't live in the right place or you don't have the best looks. I'm ugly as homemade sin. Barry is the first guy to even CALL me after the first date; I've dated quite a few guys. Straight people seem to have it so easy. Sometimes I wish I wasn't gay just because I wouldn't have to look for rainbows to find people, so I wouldn't have to fit in with a crowd. I don't want to fit in with the gay crowd, they all seem so stuck up and cliqueish. I have three gay friends. They're my friends because they look at me as a friend and not for sex. Everyone else I've met (the guys at least) looked to me first for sex or my looks; I got that feeling when I was around them. But these few friends are gay, they're my friends, and they pay no attention to what I look like but who I am.

Yeah yeah Jon is basically psycho and rants all the time about nothing, turns in on himself negatively then goes back around and smacks his head. I've gotta do three things for myself:

Get on a fuckin exercise program.

Pass school.

And decided what I really want in life: freedom and happiness and the ability to have sex anytime I want, or stability, assurance, and the least amount of stress.



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