October 2000

I feel like screaming.

I feel like screaming.

Some time ago I started writing on the walls of my room. Some quotes, song lyrics, thoughts. At one point I was sitting in front of my computer and thought: glass on the ceiling. And I pictured pieces of a dark-glass bottle glued to the ceiling above my head. I grabbed a marker and drew a few paths which didn't really look like glass. So on top of them I wrote: "glass on the ceiling."

And then I thought: if anyone asks me what the hell this is, I'm going to answer, that it's glass on the ceiling. If that person says something of the sort: I don't get it, then I'll know we have nothing to talk about.

I had a major crush on a guy from my school at the time, with whom I became really good friends, before the crush and after it (with all the painful consequences I am not going to mention here, because I don't really want to) came over one day. He said: Oh, I see the amount of writing on the walls is growing, that's good, oh and see you even have some glass on the ceiling. And then he went on talking about some other stuff.

Now, do you get it? He responded the way I knew he would. He is my soulmate. He can start a sentence and I can finish it (and vice versa) and the thought he wanted to convey will be there. He can count on me, and I count on him.

He has a very hard to live with personality, a bit like me. But he's much worse. He likes playing with people that have smaller mental capacity then he does. And that's the majority of people. He doesn't do that with me - he respects me. He tried a few times - it didn't work. We are alike.

Once, after drinking a few too many we made out. That was before he met his girlfriend and fell in love. I was devastated, made a few stupid things and almost lost him. Now we're "back together", but it's still not the same. He'll have to learn to trust me again. He wants to. I hope.

Why do I feel like screaming? From December 1999 until March 2000 I was in a relationship which wasn't good for me, I wasn't attracted physically to the guy at all - but that wouldn't matter all that much if we could communicate at least partially the way my dear friend and I communicate. That wasn't there either. Why did it last so long? Because it was my first relationship, where one person wanted to continue it, but that wasn't me, and I didn't want it. And that's why it ended.

Then I met a guy. He's handsome (cute, if you will), loving and caring, sweet. Not at all feminine though (just like me) and that makes him the man I want. He can be so sweet and loving, yet...

"What's that on the ceiling?"

"Just read"

"It says: glass on the ceiling"


"Why is it there? What's it about?"

"It's glass on the ceiling"

"I don't get it"


Is it my sick brain trying to control my heart? I love him! He loves me!

And yet... is it my dear friend playing a joke on me from far far away in space and time? He loves playing with people. Is it also a part of his game? "Now I made you fall in love with me and I let you feel how beautiful it is when two souls unite and I even let you feel how it feels when out bodies unite and now I'm with her and you have to suffer the consequences and when you come to me seeking understanding I'm going to laugh my ass off just as soon as you turn away!!! That's your punishment for almost ruining my relationship with the woman I love."

Did I just diagnose myself or did I just fall into a "momentary lapse of reason" due to an overdose of Tori Amos and gin and tonic?

When the brain wants to take control of the heart...


©1995-2000 Oasis Magazine. All Rights Reserved.