October 2000

The Perfect Heterosexual

There are now a few people around school and elsewhere that know I'm bi. The last few simply know because I stopped really giving a shit. Hormones can be a bitch sometimes, what can I say. If I'm lucky, word of mouth will send it around the school and maybe I'll finally have someone. That and maybe all the ignorant people will be so disgusted by me that they'll learn to stay away because I know a lot more bad words than they do.

Anyway, this is now. Now being a month ago for me. For the majority of my life, no one knew. I didn't want them to, and besides it wasn't their business to know. I was perfectly content looking and maybe getting a feel, so why ruin it all. Then came Middle School and all the head injuries with it. I can appreciate it though, because it finally got me to be tough enough to say what I thought and not really be afraid of consequences. Must be why detentions don't phase me anymore too. Anyway again, I got thrown off my normal defensive course when I entered ninth grade. Lots of faces that didn't mean a thing to me (well, except in my perverted way). I remembered situations like this from experience-you can either be alone or with a crowd of people that hate you. But, for reasons I still have no clear explanation for other than I finally found the decent people that were supposedly living in town, I was wrong.

Everyone, after adjusting, was nice...to me. Me. Of all people, me. I have now what I used to hate seeing before: people that I pass in the hallway and know, because they're my friends. I have to stop saying friends, it's bothering me. So, my defenses were all fucked up now. The General had no clue where to point the damn tank. You would think this loving, new environment would be the best thing I could have, right? So did I. It makes sense after all, you know, me finally not having to be on the defensive. But I cracked that year. After telling my best friend about me, after she told me about her, everything changed.

Everything I had become accustomed to, everything I had planned against had changed. It was too fast. I started falling apart with my defenses, despite what my expression said. I wrote 'NO' in my arm over the summer with pins and a bread knife. I began having the suicidal thoughts again, though not intending to commit, just thinking. I remember that about that year, there was a lot of thinking. I thought about just telling everyone about me, what would happen, what wouldn't. What if this, What if this again. Despite being a lot more open about my sexuality (my position is that I don't deny it anymore, I just don't talk about it necessarily; if someone were to ask me, I'd probably tell them, since they care to know), I still didn't have a huge mass of people that knew about me. But I'm much more adjusted and comfortable.

God, way to get off track. Anyway, this was titled 'The Perfect Heterosexual' because that's what I strive to be in others' minds. I know I'm bi, but they don't. So, I use my natural ways to seem, I guess, somewhat more ideal. I can understand things that straight guys can't. So this basically explains why I have so many female friends. But this is also why I didn't come out to a lot of people that I'd like to as of now. I hate perfection, it's boring, but I think you can understand why I would've written it in the title. Besides, maybe by being like that in their eyes, when I do tell them, I can finally start to change their minds about stereotypes, which you already know my position on. I like being the Metallica driven, freaky, black nail-polished boy that's hair isn't gelled and is longer than most, so opposite from the effeminate, well-dressed boy that's in a frenzy over the latest trends and wouldn't be caught dead with the people I hang out with. Anyway, I didn't tell people because I fit their little worlds really well. I could be polite, understanding, comforting, etc. and best of all, I was straight! So, though I do like bursting bubbles, I decided to let them think what they want, because I like to think what I want. Screw Truth. They can have it whenever they want it. As can I.

I have other things I'd like to talk about, but frankly, I've been running out of ideas for these articles, so I gotta save up. Goodbye Forever, Forever=until next month (I know, big ego, I'll tell u later.)



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