November 2000

Dear You,

First and foremost, I must say, for someone who is supposed to be my savior, for someone who is supposed to be my all and my everything, you're failing miserably. So far, you've let me while away in my own misery. I'm slowly withering under the pressure of my life, and while you're supposed to be there to let me hold you, you're nowhere to be found. In fact, you haven't let me find you yet. I suppose, just like everybody else, I should simply allow this to go on, I shouldn't complain-after all, someday, I will find you. But why must I wait so long? What I dare ask, could be so incredibly important or life changing I have to wait to have you? You're not saving me; you're not even here. On the other hand, I've always believed that life has a way of preparing us for events and more specifically, people. Life hands us things when we can deal with them. So hopefully, life just has a few more things to teach me, and then we can be together.

Most of the time, I'm forced to pretend you exist. I imagine you randomly, at a party when I need someone to talk to. When I'm feeling alone, you come to me and make sure I'm okay. How many times I've been comforted by your imagined touch-I couldn't even begin to count. I spend days trying to dream you up. I see you everywhere, in everything. I've given up standards, mostly because all I know to expect from you is the unexpected. I know you have flaws, but I'm willing to love those flaws with all I have.

I find myself constantly needing you, and always missing you. I sometimes wonder if you can feel it, if you know way down deep and in the back of your mind that you're not there and I need you to be. I wonder if you know I'm thinking of you. When you're out with your friends, or just by yourself-I wonder if you know in your heart I'm needing you.

Most of the time, I'm stuck with the feeling you're wondering where I am. I think neither of us expects the other... and that, I fear, is our biggest problem. Will I know you when I finally do see you? Will we see it in each other's eyes? Or will it be something I'll think about years from now, still alone on my porch aching for you?

Where on Earth are you? I can't imagine you being too far-that's not God's way. God loves irony, his humor is endless. You know that, though, don't you? That's just it-you know it, you know me. I think we know each other so well that we're complete strangers. That's perhaps what upsets me most. We're still strangers. You couldn't already be near me-we're not that dumb, you and I. And though we're not that dumb, we are... because neither of us is smart enough to really search for the other.

On nights when I close my eyes and feel you with me, I sense your frustration, growing, as my own is. I can feel you ache for me, the pain as it builds in your breast, echoing mine. Beat for beat we feel each other, dancing in the night. Wondering, wondering-hoping to find each other soon. We will find each other, my darling? Or will we squander our lives pretending we don't exist?

It's sad how I need you... when nothing seems right, with my friends all gone, with the world itself on my shoulders. We need to find one another. We need to find one another so we can be whole again. Let me be whole again.

I'm waiting for you. Come to me, darling. Come to me, and make me yours.

Forever waiting,




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