Victor Dooley

November 2000

My first article. This comes a little late I think. I'm 17 now, but I remember the first time I read Oasis online. I was 14. I had just discovered that I was feeling something a little stronger for guys than for girls. I wanted to write then, but I was still too nervous, too...scared. And it isn't that I had to wait this long to be unafraid, but I recently rediscovered Oasis, and at a very pivotal point in my life. A point where I know I am hanging on, but I just don't know what I am hanging onto.

I recently ended a year-and-a-half relationship with the first guy I have ever seriously dated. The first guy I ever loved. The first guy I ever kissed, touched, made love to, or even held hands with. He cheated on me, for the third time, and I just couldn't let it go again. And circumstances in our relationship might have driven him to cheat; maybe we didn't make love enough, maybe I wanted too much time alone, and, ya know, I understand that you have to do what you have to do, but that rationalization doesn't bring him back. And not just physically, but it doesn't make him the person he used to be, the guy I fell in love with.

He changed, BOY did he change. When we first started going out, he was quiet, content, and very humble. He was happy with what he had, and never, ever selfish. But he had a hard family life and eventually, with permission, he moved out of his house, around our year anniversary. After that, he became free to do what he wished, and I began to realize he didn't want the same things I did. He wanted to be so much different from the guy I fell in love with, and that was okay, but that also meant that our relationship would change INDEFINITELY. A full month-and-a-half after our relationship ended he now has blue hair and self-inflicted ear piercings. It's all good, though, he seems happy, and there is no need for us both to be sad.

But now, I feel like I did in 8th grade, first discovering my homosexuality, VERY alone. And I am kinda lost, I've never dated, I don't know how, and it doesn't help to have to a) see your ex every Sunday at church b) see your ex every youth group meeting c) hear about your ex through mutual friends d) have your ex call you trying to be friends when you've just come to terms with your breakup. And I can't blame him, he is not who he used to be, I don't understand him anymore. But that isn't his fault; he is being who he wants to be. It's just that maybe he isn't someone who I can be friends with anymore. Maybe we're too different. I definitely don't want to be with him EVER again, but I do want to learn how to move on.

Victor Dooley


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