November 2000

Warning: This column may contain certain actions and phrases that you may find objectionable. Read on at your own discretion. “I am the biggest hypocrite

I've been undeniably jealous

I have been loud and pretentious

I have been utterly threatened

I've gotten candy for my self-interest

the sexy treadmill capitalist

heaven forbid I be criticized

heaven forbid I be ignored”


I am the biggest hypocrite. I sit here spouting off on the destructive nature of sex without love, yet I fail to apply this simple concept to my own life.

Tonight at work, I was bored so I got online. I was chatting with a guy who was 28 and visiting town to see his parents. He wanted a quick get together, so I told him I was alone at work after 9pm, so it’d have to be before that. “No problem” he told me, “I’ll be there in 20 mins. I’ll call u from my car to tell u I’m out front.” He called and I told the girl working with me I was going to take a quick 10 min break. I told her that I would just be out in my car, and if she needed me to step out the front door and I would see her. (I’m the manager on shift, so I’m somewhat responsible.)

He pulled up in his Jeep Cherokee and I climbed into the front seat. He was very very good looking. He was wearing a polo and very loose sweat pants. He drove around to a secluded area of the parking lot where I could still see the front door of the store, and we parked there. Once past the introductions, he pulled down the sweats to reveal something very, very nice. As I went down on him, he would moan and ask me to take more... finally releasing himself in my mouth. “I’ve gotten candy for my self-interest…” God, it was awesome and I told him I wished he wasn’t leaving so soon, otherwise I’d let him fuck me. (see how much I loved his privates.. phenomenal.. that’s the adjective to use.) He was heading back to New York early in the morn, but thanked me for a nice time (all 5 mins of it…)

I couldn’t even walk straight, I was so affected by what had transpired. What the hell had just happened? The fulfillment passed so quickly and I found myself attached to this man I barely knew. I found myself wishing he lived here in Florida not up in New York… Then the void opened inside me.

It’s all true, I promise you that.

As a 23 year old I should probably know better.. you should have seen what I answered when I took the Oasis online survey…. Partners in the last year? At least 30. I’m such a slut. I should mention that I wasn’t advocating to you younger queers the merits of unprotected sex earlier. I was just telling you what happened. This is why I’m such a hypocrite. I know the dangers of unprotected sex, yet he was so good looking and he tasted so good, I had to have more. That’s why I swallowed I guess. Cuz I liked the taste of him, and afterwards had his taste in my mouth even though he was gone. Not that I swallow for just anyone, cuz HELL NO! I’m picky bout shit like that…

“Heaven forbid I be criticized” Don’t send me a bath of emails condemning me. I get that from my own conscience. Even as I type this my Einstein helper looks at me and condemns with his very movements. Or when I idle to think of what to type next he closes his eyes, like I’m boring him or something.

“Swallowed, followed, heavy about everything but my love.

Swallowed, sorrowed, I'm with everyone and yet not.”


I feel like that all too often.

Oh-kay. Moving right along, and speaking of moving:

I’ve spent the past week moving. In with my sister actually. I feel liberated and imprisoned all at the same time. But it’s better than it was. Things are starting to look up.

I saw the new movie “Broken Hearts Club” the gay comedy starring Dean Cain. It was really good, and I related to so much of it. (as a bonus the cute lawyer Lindsay from “Angel” played a gay gym guy… ugh.) I thought it was really well done and so very relevant to today and how the gay life is. Sometimes we’re so busy being gay that we don’t do anything else…

For the first time in my life I got paid for my writing. It may not be a big deal to some people, but to me, it’s a huge deal. I couldn’t be happier, or prouder. My sister was even bragging about me to her friends. J

Later campers, and as they say in Outer Mongolia, “Later campers,”


PS… no one seems to like Latin, either that or no one reads down this far… last months column quote quiz failed to yield a correct response so I’ll wait til next month’s column to reveal the answers… just in case.

*Elliot is a 23-year old mo-fo who has nothing witty to write in this space. Sorry, maybe something next month. Email the un-witty one at kalelliot@hotmail.com.

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