November 2000

As I sit here I remember that writing is therapy, one that I've been using for years (witness the volumes of files hidden on my PC, and notebooks in little money box safes). I always find it strange to read the things that I wrote then... I recently reread my account of a dream I remember having, I was only 7 or so then, it went a little like this....

There I was with most of my class at infant school, being sent to a new school where we were to be given new uniforms at a counter, I was last in line with my then best friend (I wonder where he is now....) when we got to the counter they had run out of boys uniforms, so we were given the girls ones, and put in the class. At first we were treated 'normally' as boys, but gradually as the days went on we began changing, able to play safely in the Wendy House, able to skip and sing in the playground, play kisschase with the boys. So this dream, which is the only one I remember from being this young, ends with Tom and myself as fully-fledged girls, effortlessly. I don't know how Tom felt about this (if he ever knew, which I doubt) but I was ecstatic.

So here I am, 16 years later, confused beyond belief, seeing my string of doctors, nurses, shrinks and so on. Trying to decide what it is that I need to do with my life.

The dreams are still there, and I'm still a trannie (BTW do not call me that, unless I give you express permission.... which I won't..), where do I go from here... I'm lucky in some ways, I live in the UK and get my pills from the NHS, it costs about $10 a month to grow the bits I've felt should be there for a decade or more. But I'm scared, people who are gay have a community which is large, visable and off limits to ridicule, where as when our community is visible it is too often on Jerry Springer, having the proverbial removed by force... and where we try to join the gay community too often we are treated much as a gay man would be in a KKK meeting. I've been verbally and physically abused by many people, but most of them were gay...

Remember we know what it is to be gay or bi, we must be, our minds don't change even if our bodies do. We see both sides, but have no choice like you as to where we end up...



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