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Robert Hines

November 2000

Tales From The Edge of an Aggravated Youth - Volume 1

I’ll start off by saying hi, I'm not new, just haven’t written in a long long time. To try and get the full experience of this article, please read the last fourteen articles I wrote three years ago.

I was a young gay youth coming out at a turbulent time. I never realized that even though the Internet had given me a place to escape and resources to help me better myself, it also gave me a lot of problems that I did not foresee. Like everything, there can always be too much of a good thing. Moderation is the key that is SO important. Hopefully my experiences will help some people that are reading this so that they can spot the problems before they happen. Unfortunately I learned the hard way.

The Internet is a force that can be both positive and negative. Reading Oasis helped me find myself, IRC became addicting, sex became addictive. I think a large percent of gay people have an addiction to sex, a larger percent then the rest of the population. It happens to everyone, gay straight and bi. As fire draws oxygen, the Internet grabs people at a time when they are most vulnerable and inflicts them with one of several addictions including, internet addiction (the escapism into a fantasy world where fantasies can almost come true), sex addiction (based on fantasies that come true and become a grim reality), and isolation from the real world (becoming isolated from friends, community, family, nature, etc...). It’s probably due to being in the closet one second and the next second it is the shock and the unprepared ness of oneself to deal with all the extreme positive and the extreme negative aspects of coming out.

Coming out of the closet is a process that is very complicated. It can become aggravated when a teenager is going through their developing years. It seems all too unfair that a person has to mold themselves, deal with sexuality issues, a change in relationship with parents, and numerous other issues that come along with growing up, including depression which has become so prevalent in young people during the past ten years. I can guess that low self-esteem could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

All of a sudden you are launched into this bitter, sex intensive, bitchy, angry culture. It goes back to naivety; unfortunately we are all at a loss at the beginning when it comes to this. I trusted people I shouldn’t have, I experienced things I shouldn’t have, and I treat people in a way that I shouldn’t have.

It is somewhat still taboo to be gay. A lot of sexual acts in thousands of cruising places go on every night in the world, is that the only place it is acceptable? Doing this is a form of sexual abuse that we inflict on ourselves. We abuse what could be so wonderful. Why can’t we have an intimate sexual relationship that does not degrade sex but glorifies sex? It seems to me that in ‘gay’ culture; people are always trying to upgrade their friends and relationships. They are never happy or grateful for what they have. They can move to another city or pick and choose what they want online.

I became very desensitized to relationships. I started having relationships in a way that could only be described as serial monogamy. I didn’t mean anything anymore and neither did my family or friends. I became so addicted to the internet that I convinced some guy in New Zealand to send me a return ticket so I could go down there and have some sexual experiences. I left my best friend and family without even telling them where I was going. Before this escapade I had run off to Toronto and Montreal. I had stayed with a male prostitute that I had met online. He gave me a place to stay because he said that he knew what it was like to be in my type of situation. I ended up stealing from the Royal Bank of Canada just to keep eating. Fortunately I did not fall into the trap of sex for money. At the same time I have a hard time recollecting every sexual experience I had on my trips.

Like women fall into domestic violence so slowly, I fell into a sex addiction. However, I do not think that just because someone is gay means that they have a predisposition to sex addictions. I believe the environment created by the novelty of being out combined with the mentality of flamboyant gay people coupled with the dehumanizing experience of the internet creates an atmosphere that is ripe for sexual addiction and personality disorder. Of course not all gay people fall into this but at the same time it is a very good thing to know how to avoid and spot situations which foster ones self to be disconnected from the real world and placed into a fake world of fantasy.

I always had the urge to move from this small city in Canada where I live and move to the big city to be with other gay people. I always wanted to move to Halifax, Montreal, or Toronto. I now have great satisfaction living in Sydney. It is a small city but I now have a more fulfilled life and stopped trying to fill the void with temporary solutions. I’ve learned that there are a lot of people who are not gay or bisexual that are a lot like myself. I always tried to associate with gay people because I thought they would be most like myself and understand me the best. This is not true. I branded myself and shoved myself into a mold that I did not fit. In life it is exciting to experience new things. I found myself experiencing the gay lifestyle all of the time. I didn’t let myself experience the things in life that really meant anything; I was too busy bitching it up. I had so many people, opportunities, and experiences that I missed out on because of what I thought I should have been living my life like.

You can have all the sex and all the Internet and new experiences you want. In the end you are left with yourself. In the end when we all die, none of it matters. In the end I will have got my integrity and sense of self- fulfillment. Don’t let yourself fall into the temptations. It is a sin that we are brought up in society with the stereotypes of sex being so narrow cold, yet at the same time we are drawn to what is bad for us. If ‘gay’ people want to be truly equal and live a normal life then when we come out we should come out in all ways and try to be an honest and rounded person. We have to try and live our lives like everyone else. We must move past the stigma, the stereotypes, and the confusion. Perhaps everyone should ask themselves the question, why am I so unhappy and what can I do to better myself and become a content tolerant successful person?

funkdude@hotmail.com


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