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John

November 2000

What a month this has been. Wow... I guess when I look back sometime in the future to October of the year of our Lord 2000, I think I should smile, really. I mean, I've made new friends, grown closer to others, went to a shrink for the first time, met a guy that would change my life and I sort of came out on my own terms.

Let me explain that, because, bearing in mind that most people already knew and for those who didn't, it was the obvious. But some people; many people were in the dark. I guess coming out isn't really important when you think about it but it seems like the world when it's you that has to come out. You want everyone to know who you're in love with, and you want to know if they'd accept you no matter what. So yeah, I felt the need, and a few problems arose, so I came out before anyone could "out" me, and I did it on my own terms.

At the same time I've been thinking about college and how I want to leave this place so very badly. But sometimes I wonder what I'm leaving. I'm very prepared to break contact with everyone and never come back, not even to see my mother. But at the same time, this is my world, as odd as it may be. This is what I am today. I remember my first "real" kiss was in the boys' locker room in the first floor gym, in the partition between the lockers, where there's a solitary aisle that leads out to the gym. I remember I lost my virginity at this guy's house, whom I hate now, on Kipling Road. I remember when I first told my best friend that I like men sitting here near my computer, I told her over the phone, and later met her to confirm it. I remember the way I used to get so happy when my father would come home from work, and I remember when he was never there for me, yet I would bend over backwards for him. I remember the first time I fell in love... it was in this very room when we first realized that we loved each other. So I guess it's all of this, all of these little things about me that I'm missing, really. I haven't even come close to leaving this place, yet I'm already missing everything, because no matter how cold this place may be, it's always home. "There's fortitude in these walls" that's what the neighbor said in the controversial movie, "Making Love" before the debacle of his sexuality poured fourth. Fortitude... I guess the walls that entrapped me during my childhood and still imprison me to this day do hold some type of fortitude.

Home is where the heart is... I guess it's true, but one can bring his love wherever he chooses and still yearn for that place that kept him safe when he was young. I guess that's why many kids that move a lot are so messed up... they need somewhere to live in long enough to call their home. LOL, I really trailed off. I guess I wanted really, to talk about what we're leaving. I'm sure many gay teens have wanted to leave their homes for acceptance and other things like that, but what are they leaving? I think it's worse to be suspected of something then to actually be known. I think that if someone knows you're gay, they think that the word "fag" hurts less because it's more real to them now, I dunno. I'm confused, dazed, in love. I have like, nothing to write at all this month, because October 2000 has been a nothing month. It's had no influence on my life at all. I learned that I'm more "ballsie" then I thought I was, but that's nothing, really. BTW, I'm writing the rest of this a week later. Anyway...

Life's a bitch and then you die. That is so true. God, I've been living a terrible life lately and I SO want to get out of it. BTW, on a side note boys, if you like someone, and you know they like you back, don't hesitate. Just go and get what you really want. Don't ever let anyone force you to believe that you aren't worth what you want. If you have the power to get what you want, than you are damned well worth it. And I guess it seems odd that I wrote that and all, but it's so true. I learned that this month, too. I guess people learn a lot in October.

BTW, Happy Halloween everyone!!!! Halloween, or Samhain, is my favorite holiday, really. I think it's the greatest day in the world. You get candy, dress up and you can be whomever you want. I love the freedom that that gives people. It's like being able to be a whole new person. You're released sexually, mentally...; you're released into a world where, in costume, you can be anybody. Take the opportunity and act for a while. Act like yourself. "All the world's a stage and we are all merely players." How much more truth can this phrase have?

Anyway, though I know that not many people are reading this, I wanna praise Mr. Jeff, our editor, because I'm sending this in very late, which I know I shouldn't. And I also want to get some feedback from readers, I wanna know what you think about my column, and what you'd like me to write about next month. I like to get input from readers. Anyway, I've no more to say but that friends are a good thing to have. I've wanted to kill myself many times and the only thing to keep me from slitting my wrists is because I love the fabulous blue carpet in my room, and would never want to get it stained. But thanx to my "network" of friends, I've been able to keep it real. So, yeah. Keep it real everyone!

john

If you have any questions or comments E-mail me at MrCongeniality3@aol.com I'd be glad to answer them! Bye!


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