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Mike S.

November 2000

I want to extend my best to you all for a happy month of November. This is where two major holidays occur: Thanksgiving and my birthday (haha!). Seriously though, even though it's hard to think about it right now, I want to wish you all a fabulous Thanksgiving. I know already that I'm going to gain 700 lbs. and love every minute of it! Gotta get ready for the winter months, you know.

What's Up? What is up?!

Well, a lot has been up. As I said last article, I'll try and stay away from the "love" thing as much as I can, but I hope that when I do interject something that it will be meaningful to you as well as to me -- maybe you'll even get something out of it. But we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

Let's talk about school. School has been pretty fun for the most part. I'm doing fairly well in all of my classes, especially in my music classes (duh), and I have a few new friends, as well. We had our Homecoming dance recently (as of the time of this writing), and that was...well...fairly mediocre. I danced more than usual, but for the most part, I commiserated with friends. We even had our own little "Commiserating Table," which I thought was cute in a sort of cynical way. We complained. We griped. We comforted each other. None of this really deep stuff, though. It was more of a "poor me" sorta thing, but in a very therapeutic sort of way. All in all, a very positive experience.

I also discovered a few things about cute guys, too. Number One, 90% of them can't tie a tie to save their lives! I mean, we're talking about major fashion tickets, here. Ties with horrible, misconstrued knots, ties that don't go down far enough the length of the torso...it was just awful. I had to fix a couple, needless to say. Imagine that, the fruity gay guy knowing how to tie the macho jock's tie. Hrmph.

Moving right along, I'm beginning to think that when I come out to people, it REALLY won't be that much of a shocker. Like I've maintained, I really don't go out of my way to act the way I do (as most people don't, as well), it's just my nature. Yes, I probably do fall into some stereotypes, but I don't have a problem with that. After all, whether we would like to admit it or not, there is just a *little* truth in those stereotypes, and someone like me is living proof. So getting back to where I was going, I don't think my coming out experience will be that much of a dramatic scene--at least, with most of my friends it won't be. And those that can't live with it don't have to; I can just give them their walking papers, as it were. Period.

As of this paragraph, this article has taken three days to write. Why? Because there's just not enough time in the day to really do all that I need to do. My point? Simple: If my article seems WAY too haphazard, sorry about that. I also look at it as something kinda good too, because I'll write about a whole bunch of different things that are important to me at the time, and so you as the reader get a better picture of who I am. At least, that's the way that I look at it.

Storytime!

I just wanted to quickly point out that fabulous story of "My Island With Kyle Pt. II -- Back Home" has just come to a conclusion (Oct. issue of Oasis). If you haven't been keeping up with the story, shame on you! Ok, just kidding. Mostly. In all seriousness though, it's been a running story in Oasis' Arts and Entertainment section (I think that's what it's called), and if you haven't read it yet, I would highly recommend it. A fairly easy read as far as being able to comprehend what's going on (which is great for people like me--us non-literary types), and it's always throwing a twist in there when you least expect it; the formula for a (*****) five-star story. So if you haven't, start. It'll take you days to read it, though. Really. I'd recommend getting a start on it like two hours ago! That is, after you're finished reading my article. Heheh.

A Flower Is A Lonesome Thing

...and ain't that the truth! Lately, as I may or may not have alluded to in my last article, I'm starting to feel that nip of lonesomeness. I've always been a person that has been able to keep myself busy, amused, or whatever I needed at the time. It's part of the Only Child Syndrome, I guess. Anyways, that's how come I was able to hold out on getting a girlfriend in middle school (ok, so I had one...and we all know that THAT didn't work out). But that was before I had admitted things to myself, as well. When I finally was able to accept that fact that I was gay, things started to change for me. A lot of positive things came about, that's for sure. I was happier, and I just had a better outlook on life. With that newfound identity of mine, I was finding that I really needed (or "wanted" is the better choice of words here) to find someone to give my love and affection to.

This is when I started redefining who I really was. Before I was the one who could care less about having someone to love romantically, but now, I'm a little different. Before, I was prepared to live alone. Now, it frightens me to no end. Before I always doubted the seriousness that crushes could take on, but now, I understand all too well. I never wonder, "Why me?" It's not my nature, really. Yes, I'll complain. Yes, I'll try to avoid it, but deep down inside, I know that in the end, the only reason it's me and not someone else is because I can handle it. And it'll only make me stronger.

Ok. I lied. I will bring a *little* love stuff in this article (last month I told you I wouldn't; this month, though, it really means a lot to me, so just bear with me). Wanting someone to love right now is something that has been very consuming in my life. When I did, for a very short while, have a boyfriend, it really was a wonderful feeling. Just being able to be held by him, being able to hold him, being near him, I was convinced that things didn't get any better than that. I can never understand how people could take such things for granted. He was also someone to talk to about anything...how I so want that feeling back. Do I need it right now? Oh, probably not, but I sure would give a lot to have it.

I'm after another special boy right now, and as I write, I'm thinking of what I'll say to him when I arrive at his place of work. No, not a coming out or a confession of love, just chitchat. Very calculated chitchat, no less. I'm not sure if I've told you about him, but I'm pretty sure I have. Every day, we seem to get more and more at ease with each other, even if we only see each other one period out of the day, and at his work, where I need to visit sometimes to make use of the services that his place of employment has to offer. Like yesterday, the second I walked in, he smiled at me and said, "Hi Mike." It was one of those smiles that I would give to someone if I had developed feelings for him. But I can't read too much into things right now, even though we did have a very nice dialogue following our initial greetings. He's one of the most honest people I know--if he doesn't want to do something or doesn't like something, he'll tell ya. He's not rude about it, but he just plainly says that that's something that he doesn't want to do. I've never known him to do otherwise. So when the time does come for me to tell him The Truth about me and my feelings for him, I know I'll get an honest answer.

It's funny how things really sneak up on you. Take at work the other day (it'll be many "other day"s by the time this is posted). I was sitting on break, enjoying whatever I was eating at the time, and then it hit me. I was thinking of my little crush, and I imagined his face, and remembered the feeling that I get when I'm around him. I thought about all the love that I could show him if only given the chance...I thought about how I can't have him right now...

* * *

Long ago my heart and mind, got together and designed, the wonderful boy for me. Oh! What a fantasy.

Though the idol of my heart, can't be ordered a la carte, I wonder if he will be, always a fantasy.

Will I ever find the boy in my mind, the one who is My Ideal? Maybe he's a dream, and yet he might be, just around the corner, waiting for me.

Will I recognize the light in his eyes, that no other eyes reveal? Or will I pass him by and never even know, that he was My Ideal.

* * *

...I almost started to cry. It was the first time in a long time that I actually almost cried, and over what? A boy. Go figure. He's probably not My Ideal, but I'm scared that if I never take action, and soon, I'll never know.

This month is my birthday, and I'm hoping that he'll at least remember it (with some helpful reminders, of course...heheh). Even if I got a call saying, "Happy Birthday," I'd know that at least we're getting somewhere. If things work out the way I'd like, I'll be confessing my undying affection for him before Christmas Break. Wish me luck!

Umm...let's see here.

Well, I think that's about it for this month. I hope that this meant something to you all and that you got something out of it, however insignificant. That's one of the main reasons that I write--to make that connection with someone and help them to feel like they're not alone. If I can do that with one person per article, that's time VERY well spent, I assure you. Always feel free to write me and let me know if my ramblings meant something to you, I welcome any E-Mail from my readers!

Well, this is day four of writing this article, and it's the deadline, so I'll get this proofread and E-Mailed to Jeff. Thanks for staying with me on this. You're all fabulous, beautiful people, each and every one of you. Remember to "...try to find the sunny side of life" each and every day.

God Bless,

Mike

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Mike is a 17 year old, semi-closeted individual living with his mom and stepdad. He is interested in music, computers, music, reading, music, writing, writing music, listening to music, composing music, arranging music, and other music related things. Mike enjoys feedback and would like to hear from you, and can be reached via ICQ: #56413145 or by E-Mail: Mike_17@gay.com


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