November 2000

Ladies and Gentlemen, I now present to you

Life as defined

My life as defined is really very simple. I'm a 17-year-old Lesbian. I come from a broken home. My father is remarried. My mother is currently single. I'll be starting an alternative school soon. I work part time and I am a high school drop out. I have clinical depression (a product of my broken home -as defined).


That's not right. It doesn't fit. And that irks me. Simply because right now I feel compelled to define myself by what could be termed as 'stereotypes'. I want to go through this piece by piece with you.

17-year-old Lesbian

Yes, but no. I'm not solely attracted to women. However, when you look at how many men do something for me (emotionally and much less often physically). I might as well be attracted solely to women. And the attraction to men is different. To be quite honest, I'm attracted to men more emotionally than I am to women. I wish I could explain to you how it worked. To give you an idea of the variance though... There are three men I'm attracted to. Two of them very close friends. The other is an ex's best friend. Now if we look at how many women I'm willing to date!! LOL

Broken Home

How many of us these days have parents that have not thought of divorce? Very few people that I know. If I truly wanted to, I could blame my parents for my problems. You know the spiel - You and Mom were such asses to each other and to me and my brothers, how could I grow up sane? And responsible and mature? - Except that would be really stupid of me. Yes, they did have some effect on how I turned out. But frankly, I raised myself. So I have to be my own fall guy.

High school Dropout

This could be blamed on my depression, which could be blamed on my parents. I'm not going to do that. I stopped going to school because they never taught me something I didn't already know. (Because they taught it to me the year before) (And in the 6th grade I was reading at a college level) I truly hate having to do things that I know how to do because the other people aren't caught up. And more often than not-I refuse to. Therefore, I stopped going to school and fell behind. (I think I'm three years behind in the Colorado school system right now) (I'm supposed to be a senior this year)

Work and the Alternative School

In order to get into this school you have to hold down a job. Not a problem there. I've been working on and off since I was 13. But the real reason I'm working and going back to school is because I want to start taking responsibility for my life. I want to be a 'grown up'. I want to be defined as the girl who beat the odds. I don't really want to be successful per se but I do want to be proud of myself and my accomplishments. And I want to be able to classify myself and my accomplishments.

Who I really am

I don't fit into the stereotypes. I could, if I allowed myself to be shaped and molded by society. But I can't do that because I like being able to decide who and what I'm going to become. I know I'm going to be plagued by the desire to form myself into what others perceive me as. But you know what?

I like country music, rap, rock and alternative.

I like to wear my Wranglers and Rockies with my button down shirts and boots.

I like to dye my hair ungodly colors.

I like to walk outside and have my appearance make a statement. No matter what it may be. Or what YOU perceive it to be.

I like to get my nails done and I like to work construction and maintenance.

I like to learn and I like to help others.

I like to make people think and I like to break a sweat when I'm working (otherwise it isn't 'real' work)

I like to beat the odds, even if I created the odds (I have a terrible habit of making my life difficult so I can beat the hard part and do it all over again)

I like to be able to have hindsight that isn't painful. And that's why I'm so determined to make it.

Making it

Definition thereof. Being responsible and mature. Realizing that you are the cause of your actions. Not others. Taking control of your life. Doing what you have to do to survive. Because if you don't survive (at least) you're of no help to anyone. Least of all yourself.

Bowing Out

That's all for now. Perhaps I made you think. I hope I did. Because I sure made me think.




Don't be who you're told to be. Don't be who you're expected to be. Be who and what you want to be. Email me-MonFlamme@aol.com

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