January 2001

Where to begin?

Well I guess that I could start by describing a bit about myself. I am a 21-year-old gay guy from Halifax, Nova Scotia. I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) which means I worry WAY too much about some of the most trivial things in life. My interests are: mountain biking, music, long walks in the country, traveling, and meeting new people.

It's the Small things

Lately I have found myself to be actually happy and content on how my life is going. Being happy about my life is a bizarre concept to me, you see for the better part of my life I have been the bullied kid that cries all the time. After I finished high school in 1997 and came out of the closet the following August I have been searching for some sort of fulfillment in life. Many friends have come and gone in the last 3 years, some close and some not, however there has always been one thing they have all told me: Just be yourself. I have learned in the last while it's easier said then done.

After losing a lot of friends last summer (I'll write about that in another article) I have spent a lot of time by myself since then, and one thing that I have come to realize is that no matter how much people say be yourself.... no one truly is themselves, or knows who they really are for that matter. So over the last few months, I have noticed and accepted things about myself that prior to now I would never have done or had the opportunity to do under the falsehoods and masks that I used to wear to hide the real inner me while I was hanging out with friends at coffee shops and such. So basically what makes me me is all the small things, the little stuff that you don't think about from day to day is who you are as a whole.

The Boy I Fell In Love With

Last year I fell madly in love with a boy. I didn't know it was love at the time, I didn't know what love was. The day he moved away to Edmonton with his ex-boyfriend I wrote a letter to him, I confessed how I felt about him. I have never felt that way about anyone except family. It took him a month to reply to the letter. He thanked me for the honesty on my part. We emailed back and forth since then, never mentioning the letter again. Then this last summer he came home for a week to Halifax, I was the first person he called when he got back in town. We went for dinner and then out Dancing at the gay bar. Due to my work schedule I didn't see him again during his trip home. Last week I received an email from him, he says he is coming home within the next six months for good. He also said that he would like another chance with me. This I am happy about, however, I don't know if the happiness would last. And that is important to me.

Well this being my debut article I don't want it to be to long or to wordy or anything like that. IT has barely scratched the surface of all the little things that make up me.


PS I would like to dedicate this article to my grandmother who passed away on January 3rd 2000, I loved her dearly and miss her as much. Words can not describe the gap that was left in my life after she passed away, So many things I never shared with her, but I knew she knew. She was fiercely proud of me no matter what, only the tear that just rolled down my cheek while writing this can explain the emptiness left now that she is not with us.

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