January 2001

God, how I am aching right now. Because I have finally given up and let go of a love that I have been battling with for four years. Because I want to go home and take a break from trying to establish new relationships, I want to revel in life long friendship. Because every single day I am faced with a new display of close-mindedness and frankly, it makes me ill.

I guess the thing that hurts the most is knowing that no one up here at school unravels me like my friends at home do. Apparently with being sheltered comes apathy towards others. There is some unspoken rule that if you are naïve you have no desire to really get to know what others are like and you just make a judgment based on their appearance. Well, you know what, my best friend once said that my personality can be summed up in one line from a Filter song, "All she keeps inside isn't on the label." God, how much that is true.

These people see my car and my nice clothes and my high school and where I live, and on that alone I am etched into a label. Few people realize that I have had a job since I was fifteen making sixty dollars for two weeks because I love children and I didn't mind giving up four days a week for miniscule pay. Few people realize that I've never worn anything from the bucket of makeup that I own. They don't know that I came to Vermont so that I could climb mountains and kayak and hike in a foot or more of snow. They don't care that I have a burning passion for words and writing and Shakespeare. Few people care to find out that I have lost so many people in my life that have meant the world to me, or that I lost my faith in God before I made it to middle school.

I couldn't in a thousand pages explain who I am except to say that I am never what you think of me when you see me for the first time. If you judge me on one experience I promise that I will surprise you everyday. You may grow to love me or to hate me. Either one is really alright with me; I am by no means easy to live with. I can be a raving bitch or I can be the person who listens to you cry on the phone for five hours when she should be sleeping.

I will never be a stereotype. I set my own goals and I break my own barriers. No one can pinpoint just who I am in a single stereotype. I like me that way. If I don't care about what everyone wants me to be then I can never let myself down. I never feel pressured to be anything but me. I am drawn to things that make me feel alive - things and people, no matter who they are.

Thanks for listening to me ramble again, its what I do best.



PS - I'm not really sure about anything except that writing cleanses my soul, so please write me and let me know how you feel about what I have to say. I love to hear from new people.

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