One Wednesday afternoon I was sitting on my bed, listening to a CD (August and Everything After, Counting Crows), looking at a map, and it came to my attention that I needed to move. Not just off the bed, but out of state. I of course went overboard planning this move, which will be in the fall (August, early September) of 2002. I have a lot of reasons for wanting to do this, most importantly is my feeling that I was sent this idea, through nature, in an idea's purest form. I was holding this plastic place mat with a map of the states on it, listening to Ohama (track two on August and Everything). When I looked down at the map I, as always, was looking at Nebraska first. At that moment my life changed.
I had not realized how much I needed a plan until that night. I spend day after day, night after night waiting for stuff to happen, not ever going after anything I ever want. I can't wait for my day in the sun, not anymore. I am going to make things happen for me. I have planned out this trip, that has turned into a 23 state, ten-year trek. I randomly chose states and cities as they came to me. I have even begun to map out the trip on one of those sites that gives you driving directions. Now that I actually have a plan, other than just getting the hell out of Dodge, so to speak, I feel a lot better about what is going on in my life.
This past month has been very trying on my heart and soul. If it weren't for The Omaha Plan (TOP [yes I obsessively gave it this acronym]) I would have done and said a lot of things that I didn't mean and would feel bad about now. December brings on that seasonal depression thing, and I have friends who embraced that hopelessness and inferiority idea. Many nights I spent comforting friends, and many others I spent worrying and escaping. TOP has given me this hope that I didn't have before.
It's easy to tell that I am much happier than I used to be. Back about a year and a half, I was almost anti-social. I had friends, and did stuff, but not often. More and more over this past year and a half, I have been going out and doing what I wanted to do. Both living for myself and having friends that care for me has given me a sense of myself that is irreplaceable. There will always be that something missing, but now with TOP I don't feel so much like I am faltering, like I'm lost or losing.
Growing up, nothing in my life was ever very stable. We moved a lot, which I loved, but most promises were broken, and there were many other let downs as well. I gave up a long time ago on the idea that my parents would be here for me, or my siblings. So I never really had faith in much more then God. (For those of you who don't know, and shame on you for not knowing, I am God.) How far can faith take you if you live everyday with the one you have faith in? If you see all the faults, all of the pain and all of the worst of the worst that was where you were? Not too far. If there is hope, that is a different story all together.
I have hope, and I have something to live for. Friends are great, I love all of mine dearly. Family, well mine sucks, but a lot of people have family to live for. And then there is the life purpose thing. Maybe I haven't exactly found my life purpose in TOP, but I have something. I know where I am going, what I am doing (Bartending!!!!), and everything feels like it is in place for what I need to do to be happy.
Maybe I am crazy like everyone says, but I really like the idea of going out and doing something I want to do for me. This is my way of taking control of my life. My way of giving my life meaning and not depending on anyone other then me.
Happy New Year!!!!!!
Josephine is a 17 year old bisexual girl living in western Washington. She enjoys anything and everything to do with potatoes. She's into the music, the love, and the spirit of life. Someday, 2004 She will be living in Nebraska for some reason making no sense. Email her at: EmbezzledEmotion@aol.com, and check out her poems in the A&E section this month, they mean a lot to her!!!!! Peace Bunny Rabbits!!!!!!