January 2001

Good golly almost over...

Well Ladies and Gentlepeople, The year 2000 is almost over. I have come to the conclusion that no one is impressed. Let me tell you, the year 2000 was so much more exciting in science fiction.

Ray Bradbury had us colonizing Mars by now (wonderful author, I highly recommend him, by the way). We sent a probe over towards that planet recently. Apparently it was going to monitor the surface conditions of the planet. Good idea, except someone forgot to transfer some important numbers to the metric system and the probe sort of ran into the planet instead of circling around it. OOPS! That's like giving someone a car without a steering wheel.

That's another thing: we were supposed to have flying cars by now, weren't we? Doesn't anyone feel a bit gypped? What would a flying car really be like though? If this thing was a hundred feet in the air and stalled what would you do? "Well Martha, we're toast!" as you crash into the ground. Fear not Ladies and Gentlepersons, I have figured a logical way to avoid these hypothetical situations. Butt bags! Yes butt bags; they inflate after your flying vehicle goes into a downward spiral of death. They inflate just before you hit the ground. Then you can bounce to safety. Another question in my mind is what happens if you hit a condor? I mean you could be just flying along and a condor out of nowhere hits your glass like a ton of bricks. You sure as hell can't use your windshield wipers. At least you wont hit a deer.

Yeah, so...let's see. Ah yes, what else did they promise? Ah, the big one... the world would end. Just blow up. According to the Weekly World News. According to the priests in weekly world news, who talk to god, "God will bring an end to humanity!!!" hellfire brimstone and a pinch of salt later.... nothing happened. My personal theory of this is that God indeed is talking to them and telling them, "The world will end!!!!" in that certain tone God talks to people in. However up in heaven after he hangs up the phone he is laughing his big omnipresent ass off. He nudges Jesus, "Hey son, I did it again!" Jesus: "Dad, you're so embarrassing." I was baptized a Lutheran, which is one of the many branches of Christianity and quite possibly the most boring. You see this is one of the reasons I am a Deist. The church I grew up in was so boring. When the congregation sang it was the most unhappy sound someone could ever hear. It sounded like a group of yaks that wanted to be put out of their misery. The other thing was that our pastor's sermons (when he stands up and talks for about 30 minutes) didn't make sense. One sample: He one time tied vacuum cleaners into the word of God. I stopped going pretty much after that. One thing I can't stand about religion is the intolerance between the different faiths. It almost seems like one religion is saying to the other, "our god is better, so there!"

Now, let's be fair, 2000 doesn't come without its good sides too. I speak of the lower crime rates. Yeah police officers now use the new revolutionary beanbag gun. It chucks beanbags at a villain's head. This obviously confuses the villain into a comatose state in which they can subdue and arrest him. So that's good. Employment is up! More kids are going to college. I believe that 2000 was the year for the alternative sexes, apparently everyone is coming out of the closet. Including me. Yes, ladies and gentlepeople, I am bisexual. However I must admit that I have a very wonderful woman in my life right now. I am really happy. The funny thing is that both of us can look at a man and go "God damn look at the butt on him." It's great. It truly is. The year 2000 has been very good to me in many ways.

I guess the whole point of this ranting and raving I have been doing is that every moment is precious whether it be good or bad. I mean once a second has past it's never coming back so enjoy it. Enjoy life in general. That is my message to the reader. I'm Mike Smith and that's all I have to say.


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