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Mike S.

January 2001

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Wow, will ya look at that?! We're already in 2001. Is that a gas or what? So, much like everybody else, I'll have made my New Year's Resolutions and attempt to stick with them. For how long, nobody knows. What those resolutions are, not even I know. I just like to make them up like at 11:45PM on New Year's Eve and go with that, and that's probably what I'll be doing this time.

A Small Miscalculation

I just wanted to let you all know that I won't be able to let you know how my little coming out thing went with the object (well, person) of my affection until NEXT month. Sorry, but that's just how things go with that. For those of you following, hopefully by February, I'll be hooked up with Mr. X.

What Am I Doing This Month?

I'm glad that you asked! I was selected to be part of a prestigious music ensemble comprised of only a few high school musicians my age, so later this month, I'll get to rehearse and perform with this group. I've been selected to do it before, but this time it's going to be extra special, as it is my senior year and all. This group always makes darned good music, and I always enjoy myself tremendously. Plus, it's almost always all guys, so *that's* always a plus. I'll get to room with three other guys, which is going to be...well...heheh. I'll just promise to behave myself again; promise.

Guys

Oh yes, here we go. Here is my monthly (or so) rant about something. This time, it's about friends--my guy friends. Here we go...

Ok, first off, I'm really getting ticked off with a lot of my internet friends. Like I've always advocated, I'm very much against long distance romantic relationships of any kind (at least for me--I'd never get into one), but I think having just regular friends is just fine. Well, I'm a little perturbed at a lot of my good ones. They're not acting like friends. They're acting as if I'm there as their emotional support and whenever I want to talk about something, I get half-hearted answers from them. I hardly ever talk to anybody about my feelings, and when I do, I don't get what I need from people, which just further justifies my not talking about my feelings. It's not like I have so much anger bottled up, because I don't see that I do. I've always dealt with problems on my own [Only Child Syndrome (?)], and I think that I can do fine without talking to people about my problems about 99.99% of the time. Perhaps that is why people always come to me for advice and whatnot, because they think that I have it together so much as to warrant my giving out advice.

Next, we have "real life" friends. These are the most interesting of them for a variety of reasons. First, we'll take a friend of mine that is perhaps one of the closest people I will ever have in my life. I talked about him in my September 2000 article (I believe). His name is Anthony. Anyhow, Anthony and I hardly ever talk on the phone or correspond via E-mail or anything like that. Whenever we talk, it's like totally cool, as if we had just picked up exactly where we had left off. But we don't talk that much at all, and see each other about once or twice a year. He and his mom love me, as I love them, but it still gets to me how we aren't "closer" in the sense of frequency of communication. Are things between two good friends really supposed to be like this? I don't hold it against him or anything, because half of it is my fault as well, but it's just something that doesn't seem right.

Today at work, one of my friends from school, "Cody," came to work and brought by a present for me for Christmas (remember, I'm writing this in December). Cody is a really good guy (his friends are kind of a bad influence, but when he's away from them, he is a total sweetheart...in a straight sort of way). As you might be able to tell, Cody is straight and as you may or may not be able to tell, he doesn't know about me. He's one of the people that I'm really scared of telling, because although we don't hang out and do a lot of stuff together that often, he's still a friend whose company I really enjoy. He comes from a fairly strict religious background, and I know his position on homosexuality (not very pro-Mike, if you get my drift). I used to think that if those people didn't like you after you told them, then they were to be tossed out. BAM. You're done. Well, with Cody, I realize that that's not as easy as it may seem. We've known each other since the first grade, and to throw away a relationship of almost 10 years is a tragic waste. This is an instance where I would probably be quite upset to the point of tears. Maybe it won't turn out that way...all I can do is hope.

Old boyfriends are sure a hassle, especially when you like the same person. I still have feelings for him, more intimate than probably a regular friend, but not romantic in any way. The fact is, he's annoying. Damned annoying. He's really anal about everything, he's *way* too intense when it comes to talking about the things that he likes, he's loud, obnoxious, etc. etc. He also suffers from depression. We talk every once in a while, but I tell ya, he's in sorry shape emotionally. He's clingy. He gets way too attached to people. He's emotionally very immature. I don't know why I was interested in him in the first place.

Why am I complaining? Because most of the guys in my life all have some huge, major, bad-news flaws and I don't even know why they're in my life. We're not talking about just little things, I mean, like flaws that REALLY matter. From internet friends to friends here at home, I'm not getting what I need back from them. No, not sex or anything of the sort, I just need a friend that I can talk to anytime of the day or night. Someone that I can relate to on a very personal level. Someone to love. Someone to love me.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for a boyfriend or just a good, close friend, but all I do know is that I need one.

Conclusion

Well, this was a rather...interesting article for this month. I just needed to vent this month. Lots of things going on and whatnot. Next month's article will be a bit more pleasant, I'm sure. As always, don't forget to E-mail me with your comments, questions, etc. Until next month!

God Bless,

Mike

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Mike is an 18 year old, semi-closeted individual living with his mom and stepdad. He is interested in music, computers, music, reading, music, writing, writing music, listening to music, composing music, arranging music, and other music related things. Mike enjoys feedback and would like to hear from you, and can be reached via ICQ: #56413145 or by E-Mail: Mike_17@gay.com


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