February 2001

Well kids, it's been forever and a half since I've written an article, and for that I apologize. This article was originally for January, but I'm a shithead and I didn't make the deadline, so it's going in for February... Just rewind yer little minds and pretend it's just after new years, and this will all make sense to yew.

Isn't it weird the way we spell February? I personally think that either we should pronounce that first "R" and make it febRUary, or remove the stupid piece of shit completely, thus making it what we pronounce - febUary.... blah.. as Terrance and Phillip would say, "SUCK MY BALLS!"

Penis...... It seems that only during this New Year's break from school and things that I have found sufficient time to write an article. I know you all missed me anyhow. Right? Okay, so I have a hangnail and it's driving me insane if you happen to care. OUCH I say, OUCH! --- it persists.

I'm on a train right now back from Toronto. I haven't slept in over 36 hours and the guy beside me is listening to country and snoring... Save me.

Things have happened recently, and unfortunately I am not going to go into much detail about it here, but all I can say is that Jeffie is no longer a virgin. I know I know, you're thinking "HA! That fucking bottom was NEVER a virgin!"... but GUESS who played top? GUESS!... okay -- it was me. How'd you know? Suffice it to say that my Christmas wishes and fantasies all came true. Patience, lust, flirting and... rape... all pay off. Okay, I'm kidding about the rape thing, it WAS mutual.

I recently purchased a bottle of water from the train vendor who charged me a BUCK FIFTY for a 355 ml bottle of water. I almost told him that he could suck my ass, he said "and your change is 50 cents", and I said "SUCK M... yes, thank you." The reason that I've been awake for so long is because I've been working. As you all know, Jeffie is a plurry (search for PLUR at dictionary.com) raver kid. I recently got a job with a rave production company in Toronto where I have been flyering and promoting. I absolutely love my job and I like to meet people and get a chance to put positive energy into dealing with people and promoting my parties.

Anyway, I am incredibly tired because I've been flyering for three days and partied two times. The first party was a nice small party with about 1500 people... The other one had about 7000, but the good thing about the big one was that I got this neat little badge thing that said "staff" and made me feel really special like.

I've got a big penis. Okay. I have no penis, you caught me.

I really can't say what the song of the month is going to be, because I've got a ton of favorites right now, but one of the songs that particularly interests me is Aurora -- Ordinary World. It's a trance remix of the old duran-duran song, and it's what I put on before I go to bed. Oh, and there's this new EURO song that's out by IDS -- It's Never Enough -- that one is a good song too. Oh.. and anything by AQUAGEN is amazing, I haven't been able to find their vinyls tho...

I don't know if any of you actually talk to me over ICQ and stuffs, but Jephie is gonna become a DJ -- I'm buying my new Technic's M3's next week... check out panasonic.ca for the kewl turntables... Anyway, yeah, I'm gonna spin trance and hard house and some breaks, and I'm gonna be a fly little white kyd. You'll all have to come to T. (Toronto) and watch me spin at my first partie -- promise!?

Jeffie has YET TO FIND A BOYFRIEND, and I'm thinking that it may have something to do with the fact that I have no penis. Well, a small penis. "PENIS PENIS PENIS!" my friend Christophe used to say. Have you ever heard of the three C's? I'm not flamy anymore, but this reminds me of back in the day when I was flamy... It's simple, and you can use it to describe anyone. "Honey, he's a keeper, he has the three C's!" -- basically, Cash, Car, and Cock. Now aren't I a little faggot? Yep, a faggot with a small penis.

New Years went well, I was outside collecting tickets from e-tarded ravers who admired my blacklight used to verify tickets and who had trouble climbing the snow coated steps. It's funny to watch them because they're so out of it. Their nails and their friends' eyes glow purple under the blacklight, and this was just a little too overwhelming for them. I mean, MANAGE YOUR DRUGS PEOPLE!

I have a few crushes on some boys, but it turns out that they're all straight. I guess that happens when you really only hang out with straight guys, go to straight bars and talk about how beautiful Angelina Jolie's lips are. I really miss my gay friends I have to say, and it's been forever since I've been to London to see them. It's not that I haven't been thinking about them because I miss them dearly... It's more of an issue of avoiding that wonderful GAY DRAMA that comes with today's fucked up gay scene. "Joe is sleeping with Jose's boyfriend... you ALL have to hate him now." I just can't take people like that, and unfortunately, the london club scene is full of it... so it comes down to the decision of spending time with my friends and then going to the bar and getting involved with the drama, or going to Toronto, getting into clubs free, making some money flyering and hanging out and having fun minus the gay drama. It's an icky decision to make.

The guy beside me now is talking to someone. He's obviously American, and commenting about how he "thought Canada would be really small...". Since when did Canada become some kind of state? Wait.. wait... we're discussing Marine Biology now, and the people that are discussing it hardly have the ability to walk and chew gum. I think honestly that all they can do it drink beer, eat pretzels and watch porn.

Which brings me to my next point. Porn is good.


Ohhh oohh.. the straight fucks on the train are talking about dogs and snowplows now, and I wonder when they'll do me the favor of ceasing their conversation because with each word they speak I can feel myself getting dumber.

Have all of you seen the new cappuccino bubble gum that has been released? I mean... don't we buy gum to get the coffee breath OUT of our mouths? Who comes up with these ideas? SATAN!

I've been making fun of my straight friends recently... whenever they talk about girls, I always look at them seriously and say "You know, I may not agree with your 'choice' of lifestyle, and I may find it totally disgusting. I may also believe that you're going to hell because you make a choice to have sex with a member of the opposite sex, but I want you to know that I respect you for who you are no matter how disgusting the sex is." I have managed to offend a few and win a few friends as well with my little wonderspeach.

Anyway, I'm ending this for now, I'm going to go to sleep... WOOP!



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