February 2001

Touching Tangents: Super Bowl

Yes, ladies and gentle fish the ultimate in blood sport has arrived. It isn't full contact PGA golf tour or the Bass fishing Championship. I am talking hard hitting down to the mud and the muck bloody football. Now for all of those who are not familiar with this event; I will relate the spectacle for you in a fashion similar to the crocodile hunter named Steve.(discovery channel guy who pokes very large dangerous animals with sticks and tells you why they are trying to kill him.) This should be interesting...

(Steve pushing two house plants aside)

Steve: this is amazing! Simply amazing! We have here a pack of hairless beach apes. (Sherman's Lagoon. Gotta love it.)

(The apes sit in a circle around this glowing box holding metal cans.)

Steve: Now I have named the large alpha male sitting in the middle of the group Gassy. These apes sit around and occasionally yell at the glowing box. The way these males decide who is the leader is by expelling large amounts of flatulence. Whoever expels the largest amount is the alpha male. AMAZING!

(Steve cleverly sneaks up behind one of the larger more dangerous looking males.)

Steve: Now what I'm going to do is take this beach umbrella and shove it in this male's bum and open it. I want to see if triggers a feeding response...

We will end the show right there. I will be honest I do go to Super Bowl parties with my parents but I am rarely into it. I watch the Super Bowl for one reason only, this is the same reason that 90% of the population watches it. Commercials. Never will you hear in your life, "Marge! Keep it down I'm trying to watch the commercials!" It's really funny. MY grandmother is more into it. I expect her to show up in a Raven's jersey and have all of the paraphernalia.

Now lets talk about the men playing this game. Some of them are very attractive men. Some of them are not! Has anyone ever seen a linebacker? Yeah the guys who are 10ft tall and weigh 2 metric tons? I am convinced now looking at some of these guys that big foot and the Yeti exist, and they're cross breeding!

Now I will turn my guns towards the XFL (extreme football league). Now this is staged football. It's a lot like professional wrestling. They have dramas and backstage brawls and football all in one. It appeals to that alpha male, college frat boy, I'm a manly man sorta guy. Where they can yell at the screen and suck down cans of beer and feel manly. That's not for me. I'm not the beer guzzling talking about how much balls one guy has as opposed to the other, sort of guy. It's fine if you do that but it's not for me. I wouldn't mind it so much if that when men are in a group like that didn't lie to impress so much.

"I think my wife should work in the kitchen." When really he loves his wife and she runs the whole relationship anyway.

"I'm single because I don't need women." He's gay but is afraid to tell his friends because he thinks his friends will reject him.

"I had my way with two women last week." No you didn't you where alone watching TV last weekend.

People remember who you are and be true to your selves. That is all you can do and if people don't except you then turn away and find people that do. Oh and by the way root for the Raven's my Grandma will be. PEACE!



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