February 2001

How important is it to have a visible adult role model when you are gay? For me this was never really an issue, I went to a school where the only way the word gay was heard was in the phrase “that’s so gay” by teacher and student alike. People didn’t care if they were hurtful. Stealing, lying, and cheating were also fairly common, it wasn’t the best place. I learned to survive, I had my one or two friends (the school only had 120 students in 6-12th grades) and I got out of there as soon as I could, changed to a school 200 miles away, and I became a happier person.

At this point I felt totally comfortable about being gay (I never really felt uncomfortable about it) but I didn’t know any other gay people, or have any support group, since I had just moved 200 miles back to the Bay Area. This quickly changed as I made friends. I had the chance to start over, so I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t hide myself and be the same shy little skinny kid who hid in the corner and never spoke. I quickly learned about other people, made friends, and became more of an extroverted person… but I digress. I learned that 2 of the teachers at my school were gay (impressive since there were only 12 teachers, yet another small school). These were fun teachers, who I liked before I knew that they were gay, so that was just an added bonus. Also I learned that my friend’s mom was a lesbian, and that some of my friends were gay (or quietly bi). But what did this all mean for me?

I never needed support feeling good about who I am, but I don’t know how much it helped when coming out. I should say that right now I am totally out, but at the time it was reassuring just to know who those other people were, and that if I had a problem that I could go talk to one of them.

I’ve discovered something about myself recently, I say things without a purpose, just to say them, to share things about myself with others. I have all of these thoughts in my head, but no one can ever know what they are, or if they are interesting if I keep them to myself. Yes, this may make me sound random sometimes, and like I speak without a point, but that’s because that’s the kind of person that I am. So there.

I like writing without a point also, it makes things more interesting. Unfortunately people like to understand what I write, instead of trying to interpret what I mean, so I compromise, and write randomly on an organized topic. This doesn’t usually get me the best grades in school, but that’s ok because I’ll never be an English major, its not my type of thing to do. An example of this is a story that I had to write for a pseudo math class, I couldn’t think of an end for the story, because it didn’t have one, how could there be this great stopping point in someone’s life when their life goes on, I ended up just stopping writing all of a sudden, and that became the end of the story, no closure, no nothing, it just ended, because that’s the only way that I could have ended it.

New topic… lessee. Hmm, ok, at my school there is this requirement during your senior year to write a large research paper (20 pages) that is a large part of your grade, well, this isn’t that hard, since I wrote an 18 page paper easily for one class last year, but the topic is open ended. Now what kind of a dirty trick is that to play on an indecisive person? I was left with writing a paper on anything that I liked, so I made a quick decision and chose to write about one of my favorite books, Enders Game. Well, as I have already said, literary topics are not my cup of tea, so I kept running into big flashing lights while doing research, especially since I couldn’t find sources. Well, I decided to change my topic to something that actually meant something to me, other than just enjoying a book. So, I got up courage, went to the senior essay advisor and asked to change my topic, to something regarding the challenges faced by gay youth in high school (I haven’t yet solidified my topic, I better do that soon since I only have 5 weeks left). Well, I have done research on this, and it is a much more interesting topic to write about. Why am I writing this? Well, I don’t know that either, but isn’t it interesting?

Well that’s about all that’s on my mind for right now, and I have to go back to chipping away at my mountains of homework which I will eventually get through… some day. Send me an email and tell me what you think. My email is mordoc2000@hotmail.com, and my AIM screen name is mordoc13, so send me stuff, if only to say hi.


Mordoc is a gay 17 y/o living in the San Francisco Bay Area trying to do well in his senior year and get into college.

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