February 2001

Punished, I feel I am punished.

I am being punished for who I am. I am sure right away you're saying "get over yourself," well I have been getting over it for about 10 years now. I am an assertive and positive person, I love life and I believe I love who I am. Although this positive nature is what you see it is not how I feel. I have this deep down pain, a form of self-torture I suppose. I am ashamed of what I am and it hurts like hell, it is eating away at my soul and soon it will be the end of me.

This pain has consumed my life for several years now; it is not what most people associate with pain as a physical hurt. This pain is far more destructive than a broken leg or a healing wound. This pain will sculpture my life and decide my destiny. Most people would interact with me and not see any sort of warning or distress when in fact I am burning inside and about to erupt in what could easily be my last emotional out burst. I am hidden by my smile.

At night I will be happy listening to music and enjoying the peace and tranquility, until the wave will sweep over me once again. My thoughts will wander and dreams will flow. My loneliness is present and my smile has gone away. I dream of being held in genuine arms and kissed by affectionate lips, my guilt and anxiety is the only barrier from happiness. I find it hard to cry, I am sick of crying. My tears I trade for my smile.

I have no grasp of where this pain is coming from. I am surrounded by loving friends and boyfriends, why do I feel this way?. I am lonely yet bombarded with affection and love, I am un-certain yet as certain as I have ever been. I am sick of this feeling and these thoughts.

This is in no means a sob story or a 'pity the gay guy' story it is simply a wake up call. The next person that you interact with in your day may be feeling a unique pain so take that extra time to say hello and listen to what they really have to say.

I keep smiling.



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