Tommy Tabatowski

February 2001

In order to counteract the heaviness of my last column and due to the fact that I have almost no time right now to write, this month I present a silly little rant for your amusement, although if you get some insight from it, all the better!

The Problem with Straight Boys

One of my biggest problems being a young gay male is dealing with young straight males. Aside from the alienation I feel due to the differences in our sexuality and the fact that heterosexual males are often at least a little homophobic, my biggest difficulty with straight boys is when I am attracted to one. It hasn't happened in a while, but I've had my share of straight guy crushes. I know I'm not alone on this. One day you wake up and the straight boy down the street is suddenly looking good...

Situation A: the pseudofag

You know this guy. You met him at the mall, or at work, school, wherever. He sets the gaydar sirens off big-time. You think you have a chance, you make a move, and he returns it - or so you think. You're not sure, but you don't think he'd be this friendly if he weren't interested. You start to lose sleep at night, but while you are awake you're in a perpetual state of bliss. Your school notebooks have his name written all over the inside covers. This is the One. Your parents begin to wonder why real estate magazines from Vermont are suddenly arriving in the mail. Everything is perfect, or so you think...

Two weeks later, you're in the Gap, looking for a new outfit that will make him fall completely in love with you, and he walks in. Holding hands with a girl. Your new world crumbles beneath your feet faster than you can say, "That bitch!"

Situation B: the hopeless het

He might be the captain of the soccer team, a waiter at your favorite restaurant, the neighbor, the guy who sits across from you in math class. He's everything you've ever dreamed about, except for the whole straight thing. He's had fifteen girlfriends in the last year. He exudes straightness from his pores. There's no mistaking it. Does it stop you from falling in love (lust)? Not a chance. You know there's no hope. You know he'll never see you as anything more than a friend. So why do you bother?

You bother because he's a cute boy and you're Queer. You certainly can't be blamed for that. Although letting yourself become infatuated with a guy you know is straight may be foolish, it isn't something you can really control. As for the boy you thought was gay, well... It's all his damn fault. Where does he get off pretending to be gay? He's probably doing it to get girls or some such heteroscheme. Boys like that should be forced to wear a warning label.

Of course, there's always the chance that your so-called straightie is actually a closet case. Maybe he just needs someone to help him open up the door! Or maybe he's just straight and you should look elsewhere. It's hard to do, but you're better off in the long run. Breeders make bad boyfriends.


Tommy Tabatowski is eighteen years old, a resident and student at a Zen Buddhist training center in southern California, and he is currently on his way out for the second time. He enjoys any and all feedback, and can be reached via e-mail (tommy@tabatowski.com) or on ICQ (24380831).

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