March 2001

Month of March

Well the month of March is upon us, already. This month I turn 22. Oh joy, oh fun of turning another year older. Oh well. As promised this will be a good article, that's if you care to read it. A lot of new things have been going on in my life. Some I will mention and some I will not.

I found a disk full of poetry that I had written when I was in high school and while in university as well. I was shocked at how depressed I was while in high school, then coming out of the depression after high school can be seen through my poetry. Here are a couple of the poems that I wrote:


Lately I've been thinking
About leaving this place.
And I wonder where I'll go?
Because my home
Is the only place I know.
And my friends
They love me so.
And I can't find a place
That I'd rather be.
But my home
Isn't my home anymore.
And my friends
Aren't my friends anymore.
And I feel so bad,
Because I can't stay here.
I think I'll go away,
But I wish I could stay.
At least for one more day.


Silence sleeps peacefully in serene starlight.
It muzzles many murmurs made in the moonlight.
Causing all creatures to cease their stirring.
But by the break of the blanched beams
It awkwardly awakens to arrange the animals as they arise.
At sun break Silence shifts its standpoint seriously.
And with Nature's new nomination it is now Noise.

Music and poetry are like tattoos I was once told; they have the power to stay with you for the rest of your life. This is very true, sometimes you get that annoying song in your head that you knew from when you were a child, then there is that song that makes you smile when you hear it, makes you remember the good times. Then there are the songs that make you think. That's exactly what happened to me while I was at work the other day. A song by Jann Arden was stuck in my head, it's called "Could I Be Your Girl?" One line from the song struck me as I sung the song to myself at my work station "...Write a letter to yourself no one will ever know, love is a demon and your the one he is coming for...." So that's exactly what I did, I wrote a letter to myself. I had to get some thoughts out of the weekend beforehand out of my head, they were bothering me. Here is the letter:

Dear Bryan

Last weekend you met a boy at the bar. The boy came on strong to you and he was attractive as well. But looks aren't everything, you say, and in this case it is correct. You didn't know what it was about this boy. His name was Allen, nothing different about that name. You and Allen talked at the bar for a long time. Then you went to the upper level of the bar. He put his hand around your waist and this made you feel good. Then a few minutes later, he kissed you. He was seducing you. The DJ plays a slow song. Allen led you to the dance floor and you slow danced with a boy.

The lights came on, the bar closed. You asked Allen to come home with you to your house. He said he would love to go back to your house. You hailed a cab. When you got to your house, you had sex with him. He stayed the night...

You woke up in the morning before he did. You looked over at him and what you saw shocked the hell out of you. Allen looked like an angel as he lay there asleep. the sight was so beautiful you almost cried, so sweet and innocent. You fell asleep again.

You awoke to him getting up and getting dressed and ready to leave. You chatted with him for a few minutes then showed him to the door. He stepped out and turned and gave you his email. And walked away down the road.

You felt empty after he left, you didn't know why. You couldn't put your finger on it.

The next day he called you. When you heard his voice on the other end you smiled because it was him. You and Allen talked for a very long time on the phone about everything under the sky.

The sound of his voice on the phone was mesmerizing, almost hypnotic, you hinged on every word. He was funny, smart in the way he talked, there was something about his voice.... something stuck in your back of your head. The whole time you were on the phone with him you couldn't place it. Then it hit you like a truck! He was a carbon copy of Mark... The love of your life....

This realization hurt you. Then confused you. You like Allen a lot. but he is so like the man you first fell in love with and hardly got over. Do you keep the course with Allen? Or do you break off contact because the memories of Mark are sometimes too painful to think about...

It's certainly a difficult situation that you have gotten yourself into this time. What do you do?

That is what I wrote to myself. It has been over a week since I wrote that. I just read it again, and I think I have a fear of actual "love" as in a relationship... I fell in love once and I guess I am afraid to do it again... I don't know... I have made my decision, with time I realized the feelings were temporary, or not even what I thought they were. It was just a fuck....

I just finished a week of hell at work. My boss is an ASSHOLE! plain and simple, He has made some rather nasty and mean remarks to me in the last week, I am not sure he if he did it on purpose or if he is just plain old ignorant of any tact at all. After a particular hard day at work, I came home and the movie "The Breakfast Club" was on TV, the quote at the beginning and at the end of the movie best describes what I want to tell my boss "....What do you care? You see us as you want to see us... in the simplest terms and the most convenient definitions...." that's how I see him, an old man to stubborn to change with the times. My boss' supervisor has caught wind of what has been said and went through the roof, my boss has been disciplined, it's like having my own personal concubine now. I guess I won the pissing contest.

I had the time of my life this last weekend, the one after the week of hell. Every month the gay bar I go to has a theme party. This month's was themed RED. It was a blast; my friends and me had a great time. We deserved it... I deserved it.

Well I guess this all I have to write about for now... stay tuned for more in the future, and remember, I do respond to all email!


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