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Chad

March 2001

Hey everyone, this is my second story for Oasis. I don't have a set topic this time, I'm just going to talk about my life. Your opinions/feelings/thoughts/mindless babble are welcome at tgbfgh@yahoo.com:

I live in a little town of 3,000. I lived 14 years of my life in a city of more like 50,000. It's a big difference.

Last week, while talking on the computer to my best friend, I told him I am bi. He couldn't care less. It doesn't matter to him, though he asked that I not hit on him. And then we talked [I was ranting and venting over my life, he listened and kind of counseled me, bless him] and we are pretty sure one of our other best friends [there's four of us who hang out together] is gay. The fourth is a MAJOR homophobe. I found out another friend of mine at school is a major homophobe and that two good friends of mine aren't straight. One is a lesbian and the other is bi too. Well, isn't that interesting? That is my instant plunge into the "gay community" near me. Two friends I know. Ah well. It figures.

But it was such a strange feeling having told my best friend. I do so much at school and in my community it isn't funny, I'm always busy. I had also had this shade over my head I never knew about. I didn't realize it was there until I told him. In my rants, I mentioned to him that I felt I couldn't get anything done, like I was being drowned. In my Boy Scout troop, I felt like I was being overlooked, in my numerous school activities I was a minor unimportant role. Now I feel so energized and charged. Weirdest feeling of my life. After I started reading stories here on Oasis, I felt a little inner peace. It went away the next day when I went back to school and all that entails. Then a few weeks ago I read a few more stories [back issues are good :)] and the feeling never left. Now coupled with my "Out Feeling" is extremely euphoric at times, and I only told one friend.

In a way, I wish I could tell everyone at school I am bi. That would be remarkable I think. Most people in my town don't taunt the few gays [and I live in a town with a high percentage of KKK members] but then there are my parents. I know for a fact my mother wouldn't care, but I'm not so sure about my dad and stepmom. I am afraid of being shunned by my entire family.

What do you do when you like a guy that's straight? I REALLY don't think it is as easy as simply "Oh, he's out of my reach. Darn. Next!" It blows! The only other gay male in my school is a senior. I am a freshman. While I do have a senior girlfriend, I don't think it is in the offing between me and him, heh. Why can't there be more freshmen?? And my girlfriend and I are completely casual, nothing serious. Sigh.

What is stereotypical guy behavior? I was talking to my friend who I am out too [we'll call him Z, his nickname sort of] and a few others and I took a test online [I know, I know. it means nothing, still....] and I am definitely straight acting. Now I am in NO sports [except bi-weekly [forgive pun] Tae kwon do classes] I do all the other stuff, band, orchestra, Spanish club, boy scouts, etc. And yet no one thinks I'm bi. Hmm, why is it that some guys are effeminate and others aren't? I know it doesn't matter whether or not they are straight or gay but they still can be and people know. Why can't you just tell with others than?

Quote of the Month: [standard disclaimers apply, not my personal view, that of Oasis, etc. Not condoning violence, etc.]

Sometimes everyone just has to spit on the palms, hoist the black flag, and start slitting throats.

I think I'm done this time. heh

Chad

tgbfgh@yahoo.com

Send me any comments you like!


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