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Jay

March 2001

Nothing More...

As I sit here seething in the emotions of loneliness that I have brought upon myself, I think of how he must feel. How hurt and betrayed...how lonely and bitter. I had loved him for so long. I thought, "He's only my friend...nothing more." We were so close...such good friends. Together we laughed and cried, told each other secret's and all the while the place in my heart for him grew...grew OH so large!

In the privacy of his bedroom, late at night, our laughter rang like peals of hope throughout those warm summer nights. The hope that we might be together. In the day our play and whispered jokes echoed from the top's of the majestic West Virginia mountains, as if the bell of love and trust sent forth kneel after kneel of it's sweet song to resound off the mountain top's with our happiness. Such beauty could be found within our innocent trust of each other.

One word though seemed to hang between us. One question seemed to taint the very air..."Are you gay?..ARE you like me?" It seemed to hang in the air like on ominous storm of such frightful proportions that my knee's trembled with the force of terror, and threatened to fail me like a lumberjack's axe did a tree. That question was put forth by his sweet lips time after time. Each time it was put forth it was met by an adamant "No!"

Through fear I knocked down the chance of our dream's coming true again and again. Then on that fateful night I, seemingly, destroyed all hope of our love from blossoming like the delicate rose that it was for all time. As we closed our games for the night, to retire to bed, I could see the struggle on his face. Then we laid down in bed side by side (like we always had) separated only by a thin piece of cloth. It was a hot night. Our sweat soaked through the thin sheets we were using as blankets, and mingled where our arm's met.

As I laid there next to him with only the soft glow of the moon shining through the windows, I could see his face and the struggle thereon. Then with a catch in his voice and a hopeful whisper he offered himself, both in body and in spirit. I can still hear his soft pleading word's whispering like sweet honey in my ear. In a sudden and irrationally paralyzing surge of fear I asked one simple question in which shattered my hopes. His eye's flared bright with pain and humiliation. He turned his back on me. Rolled over and went to sleep sobbing, and me unable to move from overwhelming pain...unable to let him know how I truly felt.

The next day we went on as if nothing had happened. I could still see the pain in his eyes though. When I went home on Sunday night, that was the 32nd time I had spent the weekend at his house in a year and a half, our friendship steadily decreased. We talked less and less. I wasn't invited over to stay anymore. We spoke warmly when passing in the halls, but not anymore than that. Then right after this year had begun he called me, and invited me over.

Apparently he had had enough time to heal. Then disaster struck. Or it seemed so to him. I came out at school. He fled from me in terror of being "outed". He did not want to be "exposed". Now we never speak. Only a nod and a smile, if that, as we pass in the hall. I lost the love of my life to hesitation. Don't you do the same. When offered a chance for true love, snatch it up. For it is not something offered often or lightly. If you do you could end up suffering from the same anguish that me and him suffer from. Now by my own hand he is exactly what I feared most...nothing more...than a friend!

Jay Adams

randlanders@hotmail.com


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