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Josephine

March 2001

The world revolves around want. Not love, as I had previously thought, but want. Everything has something to do with love, yes, but in the end, want IS everything. The want for what we can't have is more of a challenge. It makes everything that much more of something to search for. Often it doesn't matter if we need what we want. It only matters that we see, we like, we can't have. If we take what we can't have, then we suffer with the consequences. Those bad consequences.

I tend give up a lot of what I need, for what I want and never, at first, thought I could have. I take what is good to me now, and lose what will be better for me in the future. Then, when all is said and done I feel bad. I really can't keep to the principles I thought I had. So did I ever really have them, or were they just something I was telling myself to make me feel good about the person I am? I think, at this point, it is more of the second then the first of those two.

I have recently proved that no matter how much I try to give temptation the slip, in the end, it cannot be avoided. I have never been faithful in any romantic relationship. Up until yesterday, this was not true. I had a good thing going. Yesterday, I woke up missing my boyfriend, and thinking that things might be ending sometime soon, but I still wanted to try. I want to try now. As far as I can tell, that won't work though. He won't deal with a cheater, I know he won't.

I was with a girl friend of mine last night, and I can't change anything that I did with her. I, for once in my life, regret something. Not because of her, but because I should have waited. I should have talked to my boyfriend before I did anything. But I didn't. No, of course I didn't. Why would I do something that might be good for me? I threw away what could have been for what I felt. I still want my friend. I want to be with her now, but I honestly don't know if I can be with her again. She is almost perfect for me, but so is my boyfriend.

I keep thinking that if she was such a good friend, and such a good person, then why did she not stop me when we started? Why didn't she tell me to wait to settle things with my boyfriend first? I hate that I am placing some blame on her. But it isn't all my fault, she was there too. And Justin (the boyfriend), he was gone, that was his major mistake, leaving me alone.

I don't want to take responsibility for this. I want it to be someone else's fault. But it is not. So here I am, still alone, wanting what I can't have, and feeling like I have ruined one of the best things I had. That might be a little much though. I don't know if it is even over yet. He might be the kind of person (and I somewhat suspect he is) that thinks same sex stuff is not cheating. Strangely I think I could forgive a guy who was with another guy but not if he were with a girl (and I would forgive a girl for being with a guy, but not for being with a girl). Of course, I have always been the cheater in the relationship, so that might never come up. I hate being the cheater ... but I don't know how to stop it.

I don't know how to stop anything ... I only want. Always want.

~ Josephine

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Josephine is a 17 year old bisexual girl living in western Washington. She is currently reading a lovely book that her grandmother gave her, titled "The Irreversible Decline of Eddie Socket" which was written by John Weir. (She tells you this because she thinks it is a good book, and because it is odd that her grandmother would really want to give her a book with the content of this book.) She is on the verge of falling apart, with no one to talk to, but figures she can manage, at least for a while before she cuts off all of her friends that never talk to her. And she has really pretty eyes. :O) For any reason at all you can email her at: EmbezzledEmotion@hotmail.com


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