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Loser

by Caine35 (aka Eric Koopman, caine35@hotmail.com)

When my Mom was beaten up, I would call the cops and then sit in the corner of my room with my CD player on max while waiting for the cops to come. This happened every Friday; the day my Dad would go out and drink. I saw this as a phase in life. I thought that it would end one day, but my hopes were shattered by the coming Friday. I was a living wreck and it never got better. Soon I lost my tears and gave up on hoping. That Saturday my Mother asked me why I didn't call the cop. When she asked me that, I just walked away and replied "I wouldn't help....."

School didn't look better than the place I don't call home. I was the kid in the back. If you worked in my group, then you would shove the work to me and then talk to your friends. While doing gym, I would dress in the row of lockers that had no one else in it. I then would go out and sit in the corner, fail and wait for a basketball to end my life. Then after class, we were required to shower for the sake of the other teacher's noses. I would try to go last, but it never worked. I would be laughed at by the other boys. Did I mention that I lost my tears; Oh yes, I did, but did I mention I was gay.

Yes what could hit me harder. Not only did I look like a nerd with my glasses and greasy hair, but I was gay too. I don't know where it came from, but somehow I always felt this way. I didn't have a chance with women and men. Because of this, I never had sex. I was a gay virgin in a ghetto area. I was fucked in every perspective of my life excluding my sex life. Forget about my sex life! This story is about how I ended this repetitive cycle. It was easy finding the knife but it took long to put my heart into killing myself. Yes I tried to kill myself, but let me go back to the tragic events that made me attempt my own murder.

It started on a Thursday. The school day went smooth till I went to my horrid gym class. The teacher kept us in late and we all went into the shower room. Normally I would just ignore the other guys and their well built figures, but today there were so many that I automatically got an erection. At first no one notice, but then one man started to tease me with the towel and everyone realized that I was gay while looking at how happy I was to see them. "Faggot!" they yelled as punched me in the stomach over and over again. I was black and blue. My chest hurt so much and all I could do was wrap a towel around my waist. I went to the coach after everyone left. He treated my wounds in the locker room while I explained what happened. Before I could finish I saw him suddenly pull out his private parts and told me to please him. He was the first I had, but I was raped. No slut wouldn't even want to have it this way on her first. He told me that if I ever told anyone, that he would kill me. I spent the rest of the day under the shower cleaning every part of my body. I felt worse than before, but it couldn't get worse........Right?

I was wrong! I went home and sat in the corner of my room again but this time I held a knife to my wrist thinking of the pros and contras of killing myself. I heard the fighting next door. My parents were fighting again. Normally my music blocked the screams and yells, but it wouldn't stop! I cried and screamed, but if wouldn't stop. Then from nowhere, I heard a shot. I was so shocked that when I heard it, I did the cut. I sat in the corner crying and I knew that the cops would definitely come. As I looked up to the door, I saw my Mom. She was covered blood that stained her white dress. She started crying and screamed at me trying to hear something. She got on her knees and yelled into my face but I couldn't hear anything. I stop hearing. I didn't want to hear anymore of this world. She noticed my arm and wrapped it up with a piece of her dress. She then wrapped me in her arms and we both waited for help.

The cops came and found my Dad's throat ripped open from a bullet. They interviewed my Mom and then sent her to the ambulance. I sat in one of the cars the cops had. They tied up my wounds and they saved me; They saved me by sending me to a place I belonged. I noticed a truck drive in and I knew that it was from an asylum. I was put into a rubber house because I was a threat to me and because I made my self deaf. There I sat in my own white room and I liked it! I sat in the corner and laughed. There was no noise and I was no longer in the world I hated. I lost my hope to end the crying and I lost my hearing to end the pain I had.


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